I feel sorry for Gordon Brown. It would appear that before Gordon was handed the Labour baby, the baby had a severe case of diarrhoea, and now it's just shit itself in Gordon's arms, all over his best suit!
Since he has taken over, scandal after scandal has emerged and pressure is growing for his resignation. Firstly after apparently bottling it to call a general election, Northern Rock almost collapsed and the government gave them £24 Billion of the taxpayers money. As if that wasn't bad enough a few weeks ago some idiot at the Department for Work and Pensions sent two discs in unrecorded, insecure post containing the details (including the bank accounts) of up to 25 million people.
Now this week Harriet Harlot, sorry, Harman has been accused of accepting unlawful donations for her deputy leader campaign. These donations were made by an influential Labour donor, hidden behind apparent donations of several other Labour supporters and finally through a woman who had no knowledge of them. Subsequently Labour face repaying £600,000 of donations to clear their name!
Oh Gordon Gordon, what are you going to do to keep your party in order. As I said at the start I feel sorry for him, but he's going to have to get his house in order very quickly to maintain any credibility.
Today I watched Prime Minister's Question time. Usually a humdrum affair, today it was explosive! The leader of the Conservatives David Cameron, a laughable and socially impotent man, savaged Brown at the dispatch box. Savaged no less!! Gordon needs something big to come back form this. If a laughable nerd like Cameron savages anyone, it's getting close to their final curtain I'm sure. Unfortunately what Brown needs now is a national disaster, to bring everyone behind him.
The debate, if you could call it that, did have it's comedic moments. Quote of the day has to go to Lib Dem MP Vince Cable with this gem:
"The house has noticed the prime minister's remarkable transformation in the last few weeks from Stalin to Mr Bean"
There's nothing much more to say!
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Monday, November 19, 2007
Heather Mills McCartney can do more for the world than recycling her leg!
Crackpot divorcee Heather Mills McCartney has come out today in support of Vegan organisation Viva. Viva support vegetarianism, veganism and animal rights. They have recently launched a new campaign entitled HOT!. This campaign purports to save the environment by highlighting the contribution us meat eaters make to the ever popular bandwagon topic of climate change.
She was interviewed on London talk radio station LBC today and crumbled under the pressure of questioning by presenter Nick Ferrari, finally hanging up after being asked some searching questions about her involvement.
I have, or should I say had, no particular problem with or interest in the wooden legged bint. However she has now become just another environment zealot.
What the fuck are these people trying to achieve, demonising the consumption of meat products by trying to link their production to global warming? Everything thing we do these days is somehow being linked to environment change, whether it's driving our cars, going on holiday, using the lights in our houses, keeping ourselves warm and now apparently, having a nice piece of steak for your tea.
Well I've got news for these greasy haired, sap sucking, bleeding heart self righteous cunts: The good normal people of the world will not stop eating meat for you or for any other fucking idiot who come up with some wild figure about how many tons of CO2 meat processing produces.
This is just another pathetic attempt to use the fallacy of climate change in a tenuous link to their own ends. I'm sick of being told when to turn my lights on and off, to turn my thermostat down and to drive a car made out of sustainable balsa powered by bird droppings. It feels like I can't do anything any longer without the threat of the environment zealots looking over my shoulder and telling me that I'm singularly responsible for the downfall of the planet and the melting of the polar ice caps.
I have an idea for Viva and Heather. Before you tell me to stop eating meat, something that I not only enjoy, but something that I feel is exercising my choice, a basic human right. Why don't you firstly get the USA to sign up to the Kyoto agreement and then discuss with China their use of fossil fuels and consumption of the Earth's natural mineral commodities. Yes that's it, why don't you stop targeting the normal people who are going about their normal, everyday lives enjoying a bacon sandwich or a chateau briand of an evening? Escalate these campaigns to the real culprits of 'supposed' climate change .
No actually, that would be too difficult, nay, impossible. On second thoughts, just keep trying to make the weak minded and impressionable citizens of the world scared to have a bit of lunch. That'll be easier for foodophobes and do-gooders.
A closing thought, much like Jerry Springer but without the patronising undertone:
If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of meat.
See the fucking loonies cry here and make up your own mind : http://www.viva.org.uk/
She was interviewed on London talk radio station LBC today and crumbled under the pressure of questioning by presenter Nick Ferrari, finally hanging up after being asked some searching questions about her involvement.
I have, or should I say had, no particular problem with or interest in the wooden legged bint. However she has now become just another environment zealot.
What the fuck are these people trying to achieve, demonising the consumption of meat products by trying to link their production to global warming? Everything thing we do these days is somehow being linked to environment change, whether it's driving our cars, going on holiday, using the lights in our houses, keeping ourselves warm and now apparently, having a nice piece of steak for your tea.
Well I've got news for these greasy haired, sap sucking, bleeding heart self righteous cunts: The good normal people of the world will not stop eating meat for you or for any other fucking idiot who come up with some wild figure about how many tons of CO2 meat processing produces.
This is just another pathetic attempt to use the fallacy of climate change in a tenuous link to their own ends. I'm sick of being told when to turn my lights on and off, to turn my thermostat down and to drive a car made out of sustainable balsa powered by bird droppings. It feels like I can't do anything any longer without the threat of the environment zealots looking over my shoulder and telling me that I'm singularly responsible for the downfall of the planet and the melting of the polar ice caps.
I have an idea for Viva and Heather. Before you tell me to stop eating meat, something that I not only enjoy, but something that I feel is exercising my choice, a basic human right. Why don't you firstly get the USA to sign up to the Kyoto agreement and then discuss with China their use of fossil fuels and consumption of the Earth's natural mineral commodities. Yes that's it, why don't you stop targeting the normal people who are going about their normal, everyday lives enjoying a bacon sandwich or a chateau briand of an evening? Escalate these campaigns to the real culprits of 'supposed' climate change .
No actually, that would be too difficult, nay, impossible. On second thoughts, just keep trying to make the weak minded and impressionable citizens of the world scared to have a bit of lunch. That'll be easier for foodophobes and do-gooders.
A closing thought, much like Jerry Springer but without the patronising undertone:
If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of meat.
See the fucking loonies cry here and make up your own mind : http://www.viva.org.uk/
Friday, November 16, 2007
Sean Kingston
You can't sing and they only put you on TV so all the fat teenagers think there's someone out there, even for them.
Give it up Sean, while you still have some dignity left, you fat tosser.
Give it up Sean, while you still have some dignity left, you fat tosser.
I've got one of them Facebook things now. It's not a book, but my face is on it.
I tried to resist the temptation of this for ages, as I love to go against the popular flow. However I thought it a good way to keep even less in touch with people by replacing them with a link to a small photo on a website that I'll never look at. Also I get to know fascinating things about them like: What book I'm reading just now, What mood I'm in (portrayed by a little smiley thing) and When was the last time I had a pooh. Ok I made the last one up, but I might introduce it to my Facebook page.... just.... well just because I can.
All of this intimate and completely superfluous information about people I hardly ever see means that when I do see them, we'll have even less to talk about. Unless of course, it's about what's on their Facebook page.
Progress.
I tried to resist the temptation of this for ages, as I love to go against the popular flow. However I thought it a good way to keep even less in touch with people by replacing them with a link to a small photo on a website that I'll never look at. Also I get to know fascinating things about them like: What book I'm reading just now, What mood I'm in (portrayed by a little smiley thing) and When was the last time I had a pooh. Ok I made the last one up, but I might introduce it to my Facebook page.... just.... well just because I can.
All of this intimate and completely superfluous information about people I hardly ever see means that when I do see them, we'll have even less to talk about. Unless of course, it's about what's on their Facebook page.
Progress.
Wow it's dusty in here.
It is indeed dusty in here as I haven't been in for over a year. This blog has been stored in my garden shed, under the decorating stuff in a damp cardboard box. I only came across it again the other day when putting the barbecue away for the winter. Unfortunatley it's discoloured slightly as I think the mice have been weeing on it.
Now that I've found it again I might dust off the cobwebs and start using it. A bit of Mr Sheen and WD40 and it'll be good to go.
I'm sorry for neglecting you, Blog. A whole year's worth of ranting and potentially funny stuff has passed and you've missed it all. I'll try and keep you filled in, in future.
Now that I've found it again I might dust off the cobwebs and start using it. A bit of Mr Sheen and WD40 and it'll be good to go.
I'm sorry for neglecting you, Blog. A whole year's worth of ranting and potentially funny stuff has passed and you've missed it all. I'll try and keep you filled in, in future.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Terrorism's many guises
My friend said something excrementally stupid yet monumentally funny the other day. We were casually chatting about terrorism, as you do, when he said "Yeah what about that Spanish terrorist group.... FETA!". Well I nearly fetched myself a stool, so I could have the pleasure of falling off it. I haven't laughed so much in ages.
"FETA, fucking FETA.... I screamed. It's ETA, you cunt!"
But it did amuse me considerably. The thought of a terrorist organisation funded entirely from the sale of soft watery cheese! How bad would everyone feel if they suddenly realised that their lovely summer salads were supporting the Basque seperatist group in there continuing war against the Spanish government for independence.
Maybe my friend had something with his little slip of the tongue I mean, FETA, ETA, not too far removed from each other are they? Both from the Med too! The Bastards, I haven't been able to look at cheese the same way since, just incase it's providing bombs for Al Qaecheddar.
That was the best (worst) pun I could conjure up at short notice. Please feel free to leave any cheese-terrorism related puns in the comments section if you can do better (worse).
Yours,
Osama Bin Edam.
"FETA, fucking FETA.... I screamed. It's ETA, you cunt!"
But it did amuse me considerably. The thought of a terrorist organisation funded entirely from the sale of soft watery cheese! How bad would everyone feel if they suddenly realised that their lovely summer salads were supporting the Basque seperatist group in there continuing war against the Spanish government for independence.
Maybe my friend had something with his little slip of the tongue I mean, FETA, ETA, not too far removed from each other are they? Both from the Med too! The Bastards, I haven't been able to look at cheese the same way since, just incase it's providing bombs for Al Qaecheddar.
That was the best (worst) pun I could conjure up at short notice. Please feel free to leave any cheese-terrorism related puns in the comments section if you can do better (worse).
Yours,
Osama Bin Edam.
Friday, September 22, 2006
Richard Hammond
The popular television presenter Richard Hammond has been involved in a near fatal accident whilst driving a jet powered car.
In the same vain as Steve Irwin, Hammond is a popular and likeable man with a family and thus tributes have been flooding in to the BBC for him. I like Richard Hammond, he's a congenial and affable character. I have watched and enjoyed most of the different programs he has hosted. He has the rare ability to laugh at and belittle himself for the audiences enjoyment.
However.
Let's not lose sight of what he was up to at the time.... driving a jet powered car....at 300 mph.
Jet engines are not designed for use in cars. The one in question being designed for use in a 1950's light attack aircraft. Car's are not generally designed for use with jet engines, being predominantly ground dwelling vehicles. Richard Hammond (and I'm assuming here most other humans) was not designed to stop suddenly at 300mph.
There are the facts. Whilst I have the utmost sympathy for the man and his family, it doesn't take a fucking genius to work out that it was...shall we say...a bit silly to be there in the first place.
As with Steve Irwin, who by the way I liked a lot, Hammond was out of his realm. If a Stingray was wandering into Irwin's his garden, he'd have been more than justified to kill it, especially if it was interfering with his barbecue or his kids swing. He strayed into the Stingray's realm, probably poked it with a stick, and well, the rest is history. Hammond was in a realm in which his vehicle should have been fitted with wings and a means of flight control, and, well....we'll see.
I hope he lives, then he can do it again, live on TV this time.
In the same vain as Steve Irwin, Hammond is a popular and likeable man with a family and thus tributes have been flooding in to the BBC for him. I like Richard Hammond, he's a congenial and affable character. I have watched and enjoyed most of the different programs he has hosted. He has the rare ability to laugh at and belittle himself for the audiences enjoyment.
However.
Let's not lose sight of what he was up to at the time.... driving a jet powered car....at 300 mph.
Jet engines are not designed for use in cars. The one in question being designed for use in a 1950's light attack aircraft. Car's are not generally designed for use with jet engines, being predominantly ground dwelling vehicles. Richard Hammond (and I'm assuming here most other humans) was not designed to stop suddenly at 300mph.
There are the facts. Whilst I have the utmost sympathy for the man and his family, it doesn't take a fucking genius to work out that it was...shall we say...a bit silly to be there in the first place.
As with Steve Irwin, who by the way I liked a lot, Hammond was out of his realm. If a Stingray was wandering into Irwin's his garden, he'd have been more than justified to kill it, especially if it was interfering with his barbecue or his kids swing. He strayed into the Stingray's realm, probably poked it with a stick, and well, the rest is history. Hammond was in a realm in which his vehicle should have been fitted with wings and a means of flight control, and, well....we'll see.
I hope he lives, then he can do it again, live on TV this time.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Biofuel Bollocks
Biofuels! The answer to all the worlds ills? I think not.
Now don't get me wrong, there is a lot of research into Biofuels at the minute. A lot of good research too. I'm all for that idea that we can grow crops, make breakfast cereal out of one bit, ferment the other bits into alcohol so I can get pissed cheaper and then with the remainder of what's left make a biofuel. A fuel that sucks carbon out of the air as it grows and then when it burns in a car engine, only gives out the same amount of Carbon Dioxide. Thus being "Carbon Neutral".
Great idea I think, as long as I can run my car cheaper.
Unfortunately everyone suddenly thinks this is the answer to all the worlds growing climate problems. So as a result, some bleeding-heart, cous cous eating, hemp sandal wearing, tree shagging wankers think that because we have this small technological breakthrough......... lets punish anyone who doesn't use it!
Who shall we punish?????? AIRLINES!!!! Yes that's right those massive businesses who have such a strong and stable foothold on the world economy? No, the one industry who have been through hell in the last 5 years, shed millions of jobs and are barely surviving. Let's punish them!
All these hole dwelling, protesting Greenpeace arseholes are under the impression that it'd be great to tax airlines out of the air. Well get in line sweethearts, my old mate Mr Al Qaeda is already hell bent on frightening the shit out of everyone who steps on a plane. The last thing air travelers need is a brainless twat trying to force the airlines to run jet engines on Olive oil, or tax people for the pleasure of using oil derivative fuel.
The world economy has driven the need and demand for air transport. Without a question of a doubt air transport, whether it be cargo shipments or SLF (Self Loading Freight, work it out for yourself) the world economy relies on my industry to survive. Countries which haven't before had a pot to piss in have seen a step change in their economies with the advent of cheap air travel for tourism and import/export of goods.
I can't see what good pricing airlines and passengers out of the air will have for the environment. Yes we will have slightly better chances of reversing the onslaught of climate change, but at the same time people will simply pay more money for the privilege, economies will suffer and more and more people will be out of jobs.
Was climate change known about at the time of the industrial revolution? Imagine if you will that industry leaders of the day were approached by a 'Government Think Tank' crewed with a bunch of Organic Rice Cake eating University Post Grads and suggested that their interests were harming our beautiful Earth and maybe they should consider some less polluting alternatives alternatives to Coal. I'd like to think that they'd be taken outside and given a jolly good thrashing to within an inch of their worthless lives, just to teach them a lesson.
I think things should be the same today. All the fuckwits who are eager to appear on Newsnight blathering on about the benefits of fueling aircraft with 'Biofuel alternatives' should be sent skyward in a 747, over the mid Atlantic, full of Vegetable Oil, to learn a stark lesson in the freezing points of liquids. Namely that, at minus 56 degrees centigrade, most things other than jet fuel (including self righteous politicians) will FREEZE, rendering them useless (self righteous politicians become useless at anything nearing room temperature).
I guess what I'm saying is that there is a good reason that aircraft with jet engines need to use this type of Oil derivative fuel. Contrary to popular opinion there is not a department in each airline trying to work out how to best pollute the planet. I suggest that if the people who are so concerned with pollution want to do something proactive about it,stop trying to intercept Oil tankers by blockading them with 13ft rubber dinghies, disembark from 'The Rainbow Warrior' and go to Uni, get yourself a real and worthwhile degree, say in Physics or Mechanical Engineering and solve some problems.
Lets line these dissenters up against a wall and shoot them in cold blood. That will significantly reduce the amount of Carbon Dioxide emissions they produce whilst spouting politically correct shite. Need any volunteers for the firing squad, I'm your man. I'll work overtime too, without pay!
Pricks!
Now don't get me wrong, there is a lot of research into Biofuels at the minute. A lot of good research too. I'm all for that idea that we can grow crops, make breakfast cereal out of one bit, ferment the other bits into alcohol so I can get pissed cheaper and then with the remainder of what's left make a biofuel. A fuel that sucks carbon out of the air as it grows and then when it burns in a car engine, only gives out the same amount of Carbon Dioxide. Thus being "Carbon Neutral".
Great idea I think, as long as I can run my car cheaper.
Unfortunately everyone suddenly thinks this is the answer to all the worlds growing climate problems. So as a result, some bleeding-heart, cous cous eating, hemp sandal wearing, tree shagging wankers think that because we have this small technological breakthrough......... lets punish anyone who doesn't use it!
Who shall we punish?????? AIRLINES!!!! Yes that's right those massive businesses who have such a strong and stable foothold on the world economy? No, the one industry who have been through hell in the last 5 years, shed millions of jobs and are barely surviving. Let's punish them!
All these hole dwelling, protesting Greenpeace arseholes are under the impression that it'd be great to tax airlines out of the air. Well get in line sweethearts, my old mate Mr Al Qaeda is already hell bent on frightening the shit out of everyone who steps on a plane. The last thing air travelers need is a brainless twat trying to force the airlines to run jet engines on Olive oil, or tax people for the pleasure of using oil derivative fuel.
The world economy has driven the need and demand for air transport. Without a question of a doubt air transport, whether it be cargo shipments or SLF (Self Loading Freight, work it out for yourself) the world economy relies on my industry to survive. Countries which haven't before had a pot to piss in have seen a step change in their economies with the advent of cheap air travel for tourism and import/export of goods.
I can't see what good pricing airlines and passengers out of the air will have for the environment. Yes we will have slightly better chances of reversing the onslaught of climate change, but at the same time people will simply pay more money for the privilege, economies will suffer and more and more people will be out of jobs.
Was climate change known about at the time of the industrial revolution? Imagine if you will that industry leaders of the day were approached by a 'Government Think Tank' crewed with a bunch of Organic Rice Cake eating University Post Grads and suggested that their interests were harming our beautiful Earth and maybe they should consider some less polluting alternatives alternatives to Coal. I'd like to think that they'd be taken outside and given a jolly good thrashing to within an inch of their worthless lives, just to teach them a lesson.
I think things should be the same today. All the fuckwits who are eager to appear on Newsnight blathering on about the benefits of fueling aircraft with 'Biofuel alternatives' should be sent skyward in a 747, over the mid Atlantic, full of Vegetable Oil, to learn a stark lesson in the freezing points of liquids. Namely that, at minus 56 degrees centigrade, most things other than jet fuel (including self righteous politicians) will FREEZE, rendering them useless (self righteous politicians become useless at anything nearing room temperature).
I guess what I'm saying is that there is a good reason that aircraft with jet engines need to use this type of Oil derivative fuel. Contrary to popular opinion there is not a department in each airline trying to work out how to best pollute the planet. I suggest that if the people who are so concerned with pollution want to do something proactive about it,stop trying to intercept Oil tankers by blockading them with 13ft rubber dinghies, disembark from 'The Rainbow Warrior' and go to Uni, get yourself a real and worthwhile degree, say in Physics or Mechanical Engineering and solve some problems.
Lets line these dissenters up against a wall and shoot them in cold blood. That will significantly reduce the amount of Carbon Dioxide emissions they produce whilst spouting politically correct shite. Need any volunteers for the firing squad, I'm your man. I'll work overtime too, without pay!
Pricks!
Blogging
I've been fucking lazy! Unbelievably fucking lazy. I've not blogged for a long long time, so long I nearly forgot the password. Why?
Well I don't quite know. I suppose there have been several reasons. I was on a project at work for about 3 months. It took a lot out of me, even though everyone else thinks it was a scam. It's not worth explaining fully unless anyone reading this understands the intricate nature of migrating Airworthiness data from a 30 year old computer system to a 3 year old one. Shit, I'm even boring myself with just outlining it!
After the project I went back to "normal" work for about 2 or 3 days. My senior manager then asked me if I'd like to go off and do something different, off the back of what I'd achieved on the project. It sounded like good career development and a bit of an easy ride for 6 months. Oh how wrong I could be! It's fucking mental! A pretty thankless job, ultra high workload, little if any respect and it's bloody draining!
I suppose all of this has led me to feeling less 'funny' about things. I haven't lost my sense of humour, I hope. But I can't feel as flippant and surreal about life as I used to. I started this blog as a sideline to performing comedy. Hoping it would self-generate ideas and material. It did for a while, but I suppose as the life was knocked out of me and I started feeling less funny, I didn't want to just log on and moan about how shit I felt.
Anyway, I was driving home after my third nightshift the other morning, listening to Radio 4, a station for boring people, fishermen, farmers, old people and information junkies. There's lots of info on R4, lots of really meaty stuff. Gardeners World, Farming today, The Shipping forecast and prayer for the day. Anyway, I was listening to an interview with an exceptionally boring man who ran a political Blog. This wanker was getting 10-20,000 hits a day on his site. What a cunt! At future projections it'll take me 16 years to get 10,000 hits! Asked what was his secret of blogging, he said, it's simple, you have to blog every day! No matter how you feel. Whether you have something worthwhile to say or not. This forces you to talk (type) about something different ever day. Keepin' it fresh, keepin' it real, hangin' with the homies, talkin' like a bell-end!
You know what, he's right! He's fucking boring and he gets nearly twenty thousand hits a day! My life is fairly boring and what do I get, bored and even more boring! So funny or not, boring or not. I'm gonna write more. Blog more. Even if I think it's rubbish. That's the key to a blog, it's a log, of stuff about my life, boring or interesting, sad or funny.
I should and I will do more. I owe it to myself, my life owes it to me and the internet deserves to be poisoned by my shit!
Cheers muckers!
Well I don't quite know. I suppose there have been several reasons. I was on a project at work for about 3 months. It took a lot out of me, even though everyone else thinks it was a scam. It's not worth explaining fully unless anyone reading this understands the intricate nature of migrating Airworthiness data from a 30 year old computer system to a 3 year old one. Shit, I'm even boring myself with just outlining it!
After the project I went back to "normal" work for about 2 or 3 days. My senior manager then asked me if I'd like to go off and do something different, off the back of what I'd achieved on the project. It sounded like good career development and a bit of an easy ride for 6 months. Oh how wrong I could be! It's fucking mental! A pretty thankless job, ultra high workload, little if any respect and it's bloody draining!
I suppose all of this has led me to feeling less 'funny' about things. I haven't lost my sense of humour, I hope. But I can't feel as flippant and surreal about life as I used to. I started this blog as a sideline to performing comedy. Hoping it would self-generate ideas and material. It did for a while, but I suppose as the life was knocked out of me and I started feeling less funny, I didn't want to just log on and moan about how shit I felt.
Anyway, I was driving home after my third nightshift the other morning, listening to Radio 4, a station for boring people, fishermen, farmers, old people and information junkies. There's lots of info on R4, lots of really meaty stuff. Gardeners World, Farming today, The Shipping forecast and prayer for the day. Anyway, I was listening to an interview with an exceptionally boring man who ran a political Blog. This wanker was getting 10-20,000 hits a day on his site. What a cunt! At future projections it'll take me 16 years to get 10,000 hits! Asked what was his secret of blogging, he said, it's simple, you have to blog every day! No matter how you feel. Whether you have something worthwhile to say or not. This forces you to talk (type) about something different ever day. Keepin' it fresh, keepin' it real, hangin' with the homies, talkin' like a bell-end!
You know what, he's right! He's fucking boring and he gets nearly twenty thousand hits a day! My life is fairly boring and what do I get, bored and even more boring! So funny or not, boring or not. I'm gonna write more. Blog more. Even if I think it's rubbish. That's the key to a blog, it's a log, of stuff about my life, boring or interesting, sad or funny.
I should and I will do more. I owe it to myself, my life owes it to me and the internet deserves to be poisoned by my shit!
Cheers muckers!
Friday, July 21, 2006
The British Crime Survey
The British Crime Survey was published yesterday. Amongst the reasonably small drops in some crimes, robbery overall was up by 8% and depending on where you live in the UK, you may see up to a 28% increase. So what can the government conclude from this?
Can they conclude that even though they have put more police officers on the streets, those officers are so bogged down with paperwork and statistics that they can't effectively do their job? (My friend is a police officer, he booked someone for being drunk and disorderly recently, it took him 2 and a half hours to do the paperwork).
Can they conclude that society doesn't see the the criminal justice system as a big enough deterrent? I don't have to give any examples for this one, we all read the papers and see the news and have all heard stories of offenders with 30 previous convictions getting off scot-free cause they're "a recovering drug addict and need support not incarceration".
Can they conclude that crime statistics have increased since every hoodlum from Eastern Europe to deepest darkest Central Africa realised our borders are as secure as a toilet paper gazebo in a force 9 gale (never actually seen a toilet paper gazebo, but I'm imagining it'd be quite flimsy) and flock here, unchecked in their thousands, sorry, hundreds of thousands to claim asylum and....mysteriously.....disappear? (Probably washing cars with our precious water the fuckers).
No, don't be silly, none of the above. They know exactly whose fault it is. The victims fault! Yes you inconsiderate, crime generating bastards, it's your fault! Walking around with your fancy MP3 players and expensive mobile phones. You disgust me. I bet most of you victims have worked hard for those things, saved money, paid your taxes etc, and generally kept your heads down.
Then what do you go and do? Yes, walk around when it's dark (or bright) using the things they've bought (or just carrying them in a concealed place) asking, nay practically begging scum sucking vermin criminal sub human junkies to rob them.
You victims should be ashamed of yourselves. Criminals are the real victims if you ask me. They probably don't want to rob you, but you force them to! By keeping yourself to yourself and having nice things. Then they go to jail, when (if) they're caught. Where they will be subject to harsh punishment, and three good meals a day, and heating, for free. Whilst pensioners starve to death on their own, with hypothermia.
Fucking victims, put them in jail I say.
Can they conclude that even though they have put more police officers on the streets, those officers are so bogged down with paperwork and statistics that they can't effectively do their job? (My friend is a police officer, he booked someone for being drunk and disorderly recently, it took him 2 and a half hours to do the paperwork).
Can they conclude that society doesn't see the the criminal justice system as a big enough deterrent? I don't have to give any examples for this one, we all read the papers and see the news and have all heard stories of offenders with 30 previous convictions getting off scot-free cause they're "a recovering drug addict and need support not incarceration".
Can they conclude that crime statistics have increased since every hoodlum from Eastern Europe to deepest darkest Central Africa realised our borders are as secure as a toilet paper gazebo in a force 9 gale (never actually seen a toilet paper gazebo, but I'm imagining it'd be quite flimsy) and flock here, unchecked in their thousands, sorry, hundreds of thousands to claim asylum and....mysteriously.....disappear? (Probably washing cars with our precious water the fuckers).
No, don't be silly, none of the above. They know exactly whose fault it is. The victims fault! Yes you inconsiderate, crime generating bastards, it's your fault! Walking around with your fancy MP3 players and expensive mobile phones. You disgust me. I bet most of you victims have worked hard for those things, saved money, paid your taxes etc, and generally kept your heads down.
Then what do you go and do? Yes, walk around when it's dark (or bright) using the things they've bought (or just carrying them in a concealed place) asking, nay practically begging scum sucking vermin criminal sub human junkies to rob them.
You victims should be ashamed of yourselves. Criminals are the real victims if you ask me. They probably don't want to rob you, but you force them to! By keeping yourself to yourself and having nice things. Then they go to jail, when (if) they're caught. Where they will be subject to harsh punishment, and three good meals a day, and heating, for free. Whilst pensioners starve to death on their own, with hypothermia.
Fucking victims, put them in jail I say.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Three Weddings and MY Funeral
The last three weekends have passed in a blur of alcohol and confetti. I've been to three weddings in three countries. England, then Scotland and finally Ireland. The weddings were all very good in themselves, polite affairs, no fighting or cake throwing like a commoners wedding. I even managed to keep my tongue long enough for only a very few people to fall out with me (unfortunately one of the quips was about the best man fucking the groom's sister (which didn't go down to well with the grooms brother (but he led me straight into that one (and I'd have been kicking myself not to take a wonderfull opportunity like that(I'm weak you know(too many parenthesis now)))))).
Anyway I'm well and truly fucked now. Weddings basically consist of three main ingredients: Alcohol, Food and MONEY! This is how it works
- Spend money on a new outfit (I have my own kilt so I just spend money on my girlfriends outfit.
- Spend money on a gift
- Spend lots of money getting there, taxi's, plane tickets, petrol, car parking etc
- spend money staying in a hotel or similar establishment
- Drink lots
- Eat too much until you feel sick
- Drink more until you can't stand up but your the worlds greatest dancer
- Eat more
- Keep drinking until you think your Billy Connoly and your the funniest person alive, taking great pains to let everyone know this
- Eat until your sick
- AH HA! Now you've been sick, there's more room for Drink
- Die of alcohol poisoning
- Wake up and realise how much money you've spent
Now that's a pretty standard British wedding to be honest. But multiply that by three. I'm broke and my liver is fucked. Some may say that's my own fault and I just shouldn't drink, to that person I would remove a figurative hand glove and slap them across the face with it! I enjoyed all three weddings thoroughly but I haven't enjoyed the recovery process too much and also I can't afford to eat for a month.
At the last wedding I went back to my B&B just after midnight. For that I have been continually and mercilessly berated at the hands of those who I usually torture with insults leveled at their drinking ability. Among my friends I'm usually the one begging the barman for another just before closing time or the one who just wants to keep going when all around are floundering. What was wrong with me? I was fucked that was what was wrong, I had wedding fatigue and it was very nearly fatal. Maybe I'm just getting old.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Now India Arie is at it too!
I don't believe that after only one day I am FORCED out of sheer exasperation to write another post on a similar topic.
India Arie (some weird singer-bint) has released a song called 'I am not my hair'!
What the fuck are these people going on about? Listen India, love, I'm not my toenails, but you don't you don't see me screaming about it do you? No I just get on with it!
India says:
Does the way I wear my hair make me a better person
Does the way I wear my hair make me a better friend
Does the way I wear my hair determine my integrity
Expressing my creativity
No but if you have a shit haircut everyone will think your an arsehole, no matter what's inside. And that's just me 'being real' with you, word dog!
Anyway what's with people calling their children India? It's seen to be 'cool' and a bit spiritual and stuff. What with the mysticism of the Himalayas and the ancient techings of Hindu gods etc etc. However coupled with the facts that it's also a developing country with massive overpopulation, environmental degradation, extensive poverty, and ethnic and religious strife, and an ongoing border dispute with Pakistan over the Kashmir region, I think it's a pretty fucking inconsiderate name for a child. Infact why don't you just call your child "your shit, you smell, you can't afford to eat and your neighbour doesn't like you" and be done with it?
Fucking stuck up poncy arseholes, and their pretentious kids and their pretentious music, get's right up my nose!!!!!!
Rant over......for now.
India Arie (some weird singer-bint) has released a song called 'I am not my hair'!
What the fuck are these people going on about? Listen India, love, I'm not my toenails, but you don't you don't see me screaming about it do you? No I just get on with it!
India says:
Does the way I wear my hair make me a better person
Does the way I wear my hair make me a better friend
Does the way I wear my hair determine my integrity
Expressing my creativity
No but if you have a shit haircut everyone will think your an arsehole, no matter what's inside. And that's just me 'being real' with you, word dog!
Anyway what's with people calling their children India? It's seen to be 'cool' and a bit spiritual and stuff. What with the mysticism of the Himalayas and the ancient techings of Hindu gods etc etc. However coupled with the facts that it's also a developing country with massive overpopulation, environmental degradation, extensive poverty, and ethnic and religious strife, and an ongoing border dispute with Pakistan over the Kashmir region, I think it's a pretty fucking inconsiderate name for a child. Infact why don't you just call your child "your shit, you smell, you can't afford to eat and your neighbour doesn't like you" and be done with it?
Fucking stuck up poncy arseholes, and their pretentious kids and their pretentious music, get's right up my nose!!!!!!
Rant over......for now.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Shakira is an EVIL Colombian drugs Baroness
Now I wouldn't usually lead off with such an alarming and sensationalist title, however on this occasion I feel I'm justified.
You see Latino-chocolate-skinned-pop-princess Shakira has just recently released a track entitled ‘My Hips Don't Lie'. Quite an innocent and jolly little summertime ditty I think you'll agree. But underneath the jovial Latin guitar strings and the clacking of over active maracas there lies the deep and disturbing message of an international drugs cartel.
The basic premise of the song is Shakira trying to convince the listener and co-singer Wyclef Jean that her hips ‘don’t lie’.
I can only imagine from this that Shakira believes she has talking hips! Not only do they talk to her, but she has such an unshakeable belief in their integrity that she actively defends their every word with an increasingly shrill tone. A woman who thinks her hips are talking? Now I’ve seen some crazy things whilst growing up in this fair land. I’ve seen pissed people on the streets of Glasgow at 7 o’clock in the morning, licking dogs piss off lampposts and talking to their best (but invisible) friend Jesus. I’ve seen a man on the London Underground with no face or hands, begging for £2 coins whilst apologizing to children for giving them nightmares. But I have never, ever seen a woman talking to her hips!
Let’s examine the lyrics:
Oh boy, I can see your body moving
Half animal, half man
I don't, don't really know what I'm doing
But you seem to have a plan
My will and self restraint
Have come to fail now, fail now
See, I am doing what I can, but I can't so you know
That's a bit too hard to explain
Oh boy, she’s fucked! These are the lyrics of someone so off their face on crack cocaine that she thinks she’s looking at a half animal-man beast perhaps a Greek mythological Centaur, half man half horse and we all know the Spanish LOVE their dancing horses! Then she states that she doesn’t really know what she’s doing and that she has no self restraint, no shit girl, I’m not surprised, you’ve put so much of colombia’s finest up your nose that your hips are talking and Wyclef Jean has mutated into a four legged horse-rapper!
Wyclef replies:
Señorita, feel the conga, let me see you move like you come from Colombia
Oh I don’t think Shakira needs to dance to show that she’s from Colombia. The mere fact that she’s lying in the toilet with a crack pipe in her hand and blood running down her nose, whilst having a full blown conversation with her lower torso should prove without a doubt that she’s Colombian alright.
Yeah
She's so sexy every man's fantasy a refugee like me back with the Fugees from a 3rd world country
I go back like when 'pac carried crates for Humpty Humpty
I need a whole club dizzy
Why the CIA wanna watch us? [Shakira/Wyclef Jean]
Colombians and Haitians
I ain't guilty, it's a musical transaction
No more do we snatch ropes
Refugees run the seas 'cause we own our own boats
Now she’s a refugee from a third world country and Wyclef is talking about Tupac carrying crates for Humpty Dumpty, a popular children's nursery rhyme character who was infact a large egg! It seems to me that Wy and Shak have come together, not only to make music but also to invent a type of drug so strong that, Shakira should be running a website called www.ask-shakira’s-hips.com and Wyclef can see a dead rapper carrying crates (of drugs presumably) for a large Egg-man siting on a wall. What’s worse, they’ve managed to buy their own boats, which means their obviously going to traffik this new ultra hallucinogenic crap around the world illegally.
The bastards!!!! It’s time to rise up and stop this onslaught. These people aren’t just happy with peddling this muck to our children (figuratively speaking cause I’ve not got kids) but they’re also selling records about it in a seemingly ‘harmless’ way! THEY’RE TAKEING US FOR MUGS PEOPLE! PLANTING THE SEEDS OF ADDICTION IN OUR MINDS!!!!!!
It’s time to stop these evil bastards plying their filthy trade!
Unfortunately I’m busy and haven’t got the time for the next few weeks, but hopefully this will inspire someone else to do it on my behalf. Let me know how you get on.
You see Latino-chocolate-skinned-pop-princess Shakira has just recently released a track entitled ‘My Hips Don't Lie'. Quite an innocent and jolly little summertime ditty I think you'll agree. But underneath the jovial Latin guitar strings and the clacking of over active maracas there lies the deep and disturbing message of an international drugs cartel.
The basic premise of the song is Shakira trying to convince the listener and co-singer Wyclef Jean that her hips ‘don’t lie’.
I can only imagine from this that Shakira believes she has talking hips! Not only do they talk to her, but she has such an unshakeable belief in their integrity that she actively defends their every word with an increasingly shrill tone. A woman who thinks her hips are talking? Now I’ve seen some crazy things whilst growing up in this fair land. I’ve seen pissed people on the streets of Glasgow at 7 o’clock in the morning, licking dogs piss off lampposts and talking to their best (but invisible) friend Jesus. I’ve seen a man on the London Underground with no face or hands, begging for £2 coins whilst apologizing to children for giving them nightmares. But I have never, ever seen a woman talking to her hips!
Let’s examine the lyrics:
Oh boy, I can see your body moving
Half animal, half man
I don't, don't really know what I'm doing
But you seem to have a plan
My will and self restraint
Have come to fail now, fail now
See, I am doing what I can, but I can't so you know
That's a bit too hard to explain
Oh boy, she’s fucked! These are the lyrics of someone so off their face on crack cocaine that she thinks she’s looking at a half animal-man beast perhaps a Greek mythological Centaur, half man half horse and we all know the Spanish LOVE their dancing horses! Then she states that she doesn’t really know what she’s doing and that she has no self restraint, no shit girl, I’m not surprised, you’ve put so much of colombia’s finest up your nose that your hips are talking and Wyclef Jean has mutated into a four legged horse-rapper!
Wyclef replies:
Señorita, feel the conga, let me see you move like you come from Colombia
Oh I don’t think Shakira needs to dance to show that she’s from Colombia. The mere fact that she’s lying in the toilet with a crack pipe in her hand and blood running down her nose, whilst having a full blown conversation with her lower torso should prove without a doubt that she’s Colombian alright.
Yeah
She's so sexy every man's fantasy a refugee like me back with the Fugees from a 3rd world country
I go back like when 'pac carried crates for Humpty Humpty
I need a whole club dizzy
Why the CIA wanna watch us? [Shakira/Wyclef Jean]
Colombians and Haitians
I ain't guilty, it's a musical transaction
No more do we snatch ropes
Refugees run the seas 'cause we own our own boats
Now she’s a refugee from a third world country and Wyclef is talking about Tupac carrying crates for Humpty Dumpty, a popular children's nursery rhyme character who was infact a large egg! It seems to me that Wy and Shak have come together, not only to make music but also to invent a type of drug so strong that, Shakira should be running a website called www.ask-shakira’s-hips.com and Wyclef can see a dead rapper carrying crates (of drugs presumably) for a large Egg-man siting on a wall. What’s worse, they’ve managed to buy their own boats, which means their obviously going to traffik this new ultra hallucinogenic crap around the world illegally.
The bastards!!!! It’s time to rise up and stop this onslaught. These people aren’t just happy with peddling this muck to our children (figuratively speaking cause I’ve not got kids) but they’re also selling records about it in a seemingly ‘harmless’ way! THEY’RE TAKEING US FOR MUGS PEOPLE! PLANTING THE SEEDS OF ADDICTION IN OUR MINDS!!!!!!
It’s time to stop these evil bastards plying their filthy trade!
Unfortunately I’m busy and haven’t got the time for the next few weeks, but hopefully this will inspire someone else to do it on my behalf. Let me know how you get on.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
The Timewaster Letters
I have just finished reading a funny book. It’s called The Timewaster Letters. It’s by a guy who calls himself Robin Cooper (real name Robert Popper). He has searched out some most bizarre and mundane societies and organisations ,among other people, to write some very silly letters to and documented the replies (if any). Some of the letters are downright stupid and some hold fantastical misunderstandings of the organisation's purpose. One thing they have in common though, is that whether they received a reply or not, they’re all very funny and clever! It really is a laugh out loud book and I don’t say that lightly. I haven’t laughed out loud at a book since I discovered the word ‘irony’ and then re-read The Bible.
I read this book in 3 days flat! SO WHAT? I hear you exclaim. Well let me tell you this, I’m shit at reading. I once read a book by my favourite author John Simpson which was 500 or so pages long and it took me 10 months! Don’t get me wrong, I can read, the physical process has been beaten into me since I was a schoolboy in Scotland. I just can’t engage myself with reading when there are real, more physical things going on around me. The Timewaster Letters is nearly 200 pages long, that means I read it 40 times faster than the John Simpson book (assuming an average of 30 days per month).
I would recommend this book to anyone with a sense of humour it’s bloody brilliant!!!
Buy it here: The Timewaster Letters
I read this book in 3 days flat! SO WHAT? I hear you exclaim. Well let me tell you this, I’m shit at reading. I once read a book by my favourite author John Simpson which was 500 or so pages long and it took me 10 months! Don’t get me wrong, I can read, the physical process has been beaten into me since I was a schoolboy in Scotland. I just can’t engage myself with reading when there are real, more physical things going on around me. The Timewaster Letters is nearly 200 pages long, that means I read it 40 times faster than the John Simpson book (assuming an average of 30 days per month).
I would recommend this book to anyone with a sense of humour it’s bloody brilliant!!!
Buy it here: The Timewaster Letters
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Liz
Someone called Liz was the first person to comment on any of my blog entries. Thanks Liz, big up yourself! She has a blog of her own, which is funny. It's a collection of rantings and ravings and that kind of thing appeals to my sense of humour. So check out her blog here: Killer rants
Unfortunately as Liz is the only person who reads my blog, she'll also be the only person following the link back to her own blog, which probably won't be that interesting for her as she wrote it.
Aw well, at least I tried!
Unfortunately as Liz is the only person who reads my blog, she'll also be the only person following the link back to her own blog, which probably won't be that interesting for her as she wrote it.
Aw well, at least I tried!
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Dignity
The region where I live is currently under a drought order . There are severe restrictions placed on water usage and especially frivilous commercial use of water. Such restrictions include shutting all car washes so vain people have to go around with dirty cars and no commercial watering of plants unless they are sold as food. So old people won't be able to buy nice plants for their gardens and all gardens will soon look as shit as mine.
Much to my disgust there are is a group of Eastern Europeans running a hand car wash just around the corner from my house. Not only are they flagrantly breaking the drought order (which hopefully is punishable by death) they are also using wastefull WASTEFULL hosepipes to wash said vehicles. Of course, they aren't just doing this in full view of the general public, oh no, they're too clever for that. A large, dishwater grey, mouldy tarpaulin has been strung up in front of the derelict petrol station where they are carrying out this heanous activity. That's got most people fooled, but not this sharp eyed water sleuth! Am I going to report this illegal activity to the authorities? You fucking bet I am!
So I hear you ask, what is the point of entitling this post 'Dignity' then banging on about some Eastern European carwashing syndicate? I am imagining that operating the car wash and working there is probably the only source of income that these immigrant workers have. If I tell the authorities and they are shut down, they may lose that income and be unable to house or feed their families. That would be depriving them of their dignity. Some of them may become desperate and turn to crime, depriving the innocent victims of their dignity too. Maybe even becoming embroiled in the growing underworld of crack dealing. Thus depriving crack addicts of their dignity too! As you can see, if I carry out my threat to report them, I could be depriving a whole lot of people from a whole lot of dignity.
On the flip side of this, if these people continue this activity, our water supplies will run out even quicker. When the water level get to crisis point the water authorities will reduce the mains pressure to all of our houses and when it gets bad enough our water supply to our houses will be shut off completely. I will then be forced to take water to my house in a bucket from a pipe standing in the street and probably only during certain hours of the day. The upshot of all this is....
I WILL BE FORCED TO FLUSH MY POOH DOWN THE TOILET WITH A BUCKET OF WATER, OR WORSE, SOMEONE ELSE'S POOH!
Now where's the dignity in that?
Fuck it, I'll report them forthwith.
Much to my disgust there are is a group of Eastern Europeans running a hand car wash just around the corner from my house. Not only are they flagrantly breaking the drought order (which hopefully is punishable by death) they are also using wastefull WASTEFULL hosepipes to wash said vehicles. Of course, they aren't just doing this in full view of the general public, oh no, they're too clever for that. A large, dishwater grey, mouldy tarpaulin has been strung up in front of the derelict petrol station where they are carrying out this heanous activity. That's got most people fooled, but not this sharp eyed water sleuth! Am I going to report this illegal activity to the authorities? You fucking bet I am!
So I hear you ask, what is the point of entitling this post 'Dignity' then banging on about some Eastern European carwashing syndicate? I am imagining that operating the car wash and working there is probably the only source of income that these immigrant workers have. If I tell the authorities and they are shut down, they may lose that income and be unable to house or feed their families. That would be depriving them of their dignity. Some of them may become desperate and turn to crime, depriving the innocent victims of their dignity too. Maybe even becoming embroiled in the growing underworld of crack dealing. Thus depriving crack addicts of their dignity too! As you can see, if I carry out my threat to report them, I could be depriving a whole lot of people from a whole lot of dignity.
On the flip side of this, if these people continue this activity, our water supplies will run out even quicker. When the water level get to crisis point the water authorities will reduce the mains pressure to all of our houses and when it gets bad enough our water supply to our houses will be shut off completely. I will then be forced to take water to my house in a bucket from a pipe standing in the street and probably only during certain hours of the day. The upshot of all this is....
I WILL BE FORCED TO FLUSH MY POOH DOWN THE TOILET WITH A BUCKET OF WATER, OR WORSE, SOMEONE ELSE'S POOH!
Now where's the dignity in that?
Fuck it, I'll report them forthwith.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Lazy
I've just realised it's been over a month since I've wrote anything on my blog. I think there are three things at play here:
1. I'm lazy
2. I've just turned thirty and I'm trying to work out what that means in a "I've just turned thirty and I'm taking a spiritual look at my life" kind of way
3. I'm lazy
There's a coorelation here.
I've always been one of those people who try not to get hung up on the whole 'numbers' thing. It doesn't matter whether your 29, 30, 40 or whatever. Your still the same person, thinking the same things. But no matter how hard I try and ignore it, turning thirty bothers me to some extent or another. Even from a practical point of view, I'm in a whole different 'tick box' now. Never again will I truthfully be able to tick 24-29 on a form. The next box is always 30+ and I'll have to wait 10 years before making the next jump. Does this mean life moves slower now? As you progress through your teens and 20's there are lots of little jumps, lots of chances to improve and change before hitting the next barrier. But now I'm in a 10 year bracket of thirtyness. This sudden change in my ticking habits has forced me to question the person I've become and whether this person is so wildy different to the same me 12 months ago. What with all the inner reflection and concentrating as to which box to apply my ticking, my laziness has accelerated out of all proportions.
Being lazy before all this has't helped one bit. You'd have thought I'd be used to it and just worked through it but it's only held me back even further. The washing pile is even higher than normal, my house has given a whole new meaning to the word 'filth'. My front garden is starting to resemble a biblical place where wild beasts (next doors cats) roam through uncharted jungle (2 foot high grass) in search of a peacefull oasis ( a puddle underneath my dead rose bush). I keep trying to persuade myself that now I'm 'that bit older', I'm just able to take a bit more time for me and to appreciate the small things in life, like endless repeats of Top Gear on Bravo.
So to what conclusions has all this soul searching led me?
1. I'm Lazy
2. I'm thirty
3. I'm lazy
Things don't really change, you just get older and think about them more.
1. I'm lazy
2. I've just turned thirty and I'm trying to work out what that means in a "I've just turned thirty and I'm taking a spiritual look at my life" kind of way
3. I'm lazy
There's a coorelation here.
I've always been one of those people who try not to get hung up on the whole 'numbers' thing. It doesn't matter whether your 29, 30, 40 or whatever. Your still the same person, thinking the same things. But no matter how hard I try and ignore it, turning thirty bothers me to some extent or another. Even from a practical point of view, I'm in a whole different 'tick box' now. Never again will I truthfully be able to tick 24-29 on a form. The next box is always 30+ and I'll have to wait 10 years before making the next jump. Does this mean life moves slower now? As you progress through your teens and 20's there are lots of little jumps, lots of chances to improve and change before hitting the next barrier. But now I'm in a 10 year bracket of thirtyness. This sudden change in my ticking habits has forced me to question the person I've become and whether this person is so wildy different to the same me 12 months ago. What with all the inner reflection and concentrating as to which box to apply my ticking, my laziness has accelerated out of all proportions.
Being lazy before all this has't helped one bit. You'd have thought I'd be used to it and just worked through it but it's only held me back even further. The washing pile is even higher than normal, my house has given a whole new meaning to the word 'filth'. My front garden is starting to resemble a biblical place where wild beasts (next doors cats) roam through uncharted jungle (2 foot high grass) in search of a peacefull oasis ( a puddle underneath my dead rose bush). I keep trying to persuade myself that now I'm 'that bit older', I'm just able to take a bit more time for me and to appreciate the small things in life, like endless repeats of Top Gear on Bravo.
So to what conclusions has all this soul searching led me?
1. I'm Lazy
2. I'm thirty
3. I'm lazy
Things don't really change, you just get older and think about them more.
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Charles Clark
Pressure is mounting on the home secretary Charles Clark to resign, in the light of immigrant criminals being released from prison without deportation. That's bad. However I think he should resign, if for no other reason, because he has huge ears and looks like Pob. I can't take a man like that seriously and certainly don't want him being my home secretary.
Pob
Charles Clark
I love a bargain, me
I had the displeasure of being in my local Asda store the other day. Whilst walking past the reductions cabinet I overheard a middle aged woman saying "oh I love a bargain, me". By saying this out loud I can only assume that she believes to be existence somewhere, people who do not like a bargain. Infact by her use of the word 'love' she must think there are people somewhere who 'hate' a good bargain.
So somewhere out there, perhaps in an Asda, perhaps not there is someone staying well away from the reductions cabinet and probably saying "I can't stand it when things are offered to me for a substantially reduced price, or heaven forbid a deal whereby when I buy one product, I get another one absolutely free, come to think of it, if I could sum up all my feelings on this, matter I'd probably say, I hate a good bargain, me!"
These people must exist and she must know about them because she said the sentence out loud and that would be the only reason for someone to need to say that out loud. It would be like me walking down the street and shouting "I love air, me" so that any 'air haters' in close proximity would know to stay away from me, a confirmed air lover. It's just one of those things that exist and don't need any confirmation or announcement.
So from now on before you say something out loud, consider whether you'll simply be stating the obvious. Unless of course your just another sad, opinionated, unemployed, brain dead, middle aged loser, who hangs around in Asda.
So somewhere out there, perhaps in an Asda, perhaps not there is someone staying well away from the reductions cabinet and probably saying "I can't stand it when things are offered to me for a substantially reduced price, or heaven forbid a deal whereby when I buy one product, I get another one absolutely free, come to think of it, if I could sum up all my feelings on this, matter I'd probably say, I hate a good bargain, me!"
These people must exist and she must know about them because she said the sentence out loud and that would be the only reason for someone to need to say that out loud. It would be like me walking down the street and shouting "I love air, me" so that any 'air haters' in close proximity would know to stay away from me, a confirmed air lover. It's just one of those things that exist and don't need any confirmation or announcement.
So from now on before you say something out loud, consider whether you'll simply be stating the obvious. Unless of course your just another sad, opinionated, unemployed, brain dead, middle aged loser, who hangs around in Asda.
Weirdigan
My friend came up with a new word the other day. He called someone a "fucking weirdigan", being childish, I laughed. I can only assume the word is constructed by mixing the words 'weirdo' and 'cardigan'. Indeed weirdos do sometimes wear cardigans, so it fits together quite nicely.
I haven't used the word towards anyone yet, but I'm visibly excited at the prospect.
Fucking Weirdigan.
I haven't used the word towards anyone yet, but I'm visibly excited at the prospect.
Fucking Weirdigan.
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