The British Crime Survey

The British Crime Survey was published yesterday. Amongst the reasonably small drops in some crimes, robbery overall was up by 8% and depending on where you live in the UK, you may see up to a 28% increase. So what can the government conclude from this?

Can they conclude that even though they have put more police officers on the streets, those officers are so bogged down with paperwork and statistics that they can't effectively do their job? (My friend is a police officer, he booked someone for being drunk and disorderly recently, it took him 2 and a half hours to do the paperwork).

Can they conclude that society doesn't see the the criminal justice system as a big enough deterrent? I don't have to give any examples for this one, we all read the papers and see the news and have all heard stories of offenders with 30 previous convictions getting off scot-free cause they're "a recovering drug addict and need support not incarceration".

Can they conclude that crime statistics have increased since every hoodlum from Eastern Europe to deepest darkest Central Africa realised our borders are as secure as a toilet paper gazebo in a force 9 gale (never actually seen a toilet paper gazebo, but I'm imagining it'd be quite flimsy) and flock here, unchecked in their thousands, sorry, hundreds of thousands to claim asylum and....mysteriously.....disappear? (Probably washing cars with our precious water the fuckers).

No, don't be silly, none of the above. They know exactly whose fault it is. The victims fault! Yes you inconsiderate, crime generating bastards, it's your fault! Walking around with your fancy MP3 players and expensive mobile phones. You disgust me. I bet most of you victims have worked hard for those things, saved money, paid your taxes etc, and generally kept your heads down.

Then what do you go and do? Yes, walk around when it's dark (or bright) using the things they've bought (or just carrying them in a concealed place) asking, nay practically begging scum sucking vermin criminal sub human junkies to rob them.

You victims should be ashamed of yourselves. Criminals are the real victims if you ask me. They probably don't want to rob you, but you force them to! By keeping yourself to yourself and having nice things. Then they go to jail, when (if) they're caught. Where they will be subject to harsh punishment, and three good meals a day, and heating, for free. Whilst pensioners starve to death on their own, with hypothermia.

Fucking victims, put them in jail I say.

Three Weddings and MY Funeral

The last three weekends have passed in a blur of alcohol and confetti. I've been to three weddings in three countries. England, then Scotland and finally Ireland. The weddings were all very good in themselves, polite affairs, no fighting or cake throwing like a commoners wedding. I even managed to keep my tongue long enough for only a very few people to fall out with me (unfortunately one of the quips was about the best man fucking the groom's sister (which didn't go down to well with the grooms brother (but he led me straight into that one (and I'd have been kicking myself not to take a wonderfull opportunity like that(I'm weak you know(too many parenthesis now)))))).

Anyway I'm well and truly fucked now. Weddings basically consist of three main ingredients: Alcohol, Food and MONEY! This is how it works

• Spend money on a new outfit (I have my own kilt so I just spend money on my girlfriends outfit.
• Spend money on a gift
• Spend lots of money getting there, taxi's, plane tickets, petrol, car parking etc
• spend money staying in a hotel or similar establishment
• Drink lots
• Eat too much until you feel sick
• Drink more until you can't stand up but your the worlds greatest dancer
• Eat more
• Keep drinking until you think your Billy Connoly and your the funniest person alive, taking great pains to let everyone know this
• Eat until your sick
• AH HA! Now you've been sick, there's more room for Drink
• Die of alcohol poisoning
• Wake up and realise how much money you've spent

Now that's a pretty standard British wedding to be honest. But multiply that by three. I'm broke and my liver is fucked. Some may say that's my own fault and I just shouldn't drink, to that person I would remove a figurative hand glove and slap them across the face with it! I enjoyed all three weddings thoroughly but I haven't enjoyed the recovery process too much and also I can't afford to eat for a month.

At the last wedding I went back to my B&B just after midnight. For that I have been continually and mercilessly berated at the hands of those who I usually torture with insults leveled at their drinking ability. Among my friends I'm usually the one begging the barman for another just before closing time or the one who just wants to keep going when all around are floundering. What was wrong with me? I was fucked that was what was wrong, I had wedding fatigue and it was very nearly fatal. Maybe I'm just getting old.