My friend said something excrementally stupid yet monumentally funny the other day. We were casually chatting about terrorism, as you do, when he said "Yeah what about that Spanish terrorist group.... FETA!". Well I nearly fetched myself a stool, so I could have the pleasure of falling off it. I haven't laughed so much in ages.
"FETA, fucking FETA.... I screamed. It's ETA, you cunt!"
But it did amuse me considerably. The thought of a terrorist organisation funded entirely from the sale of soft watery cheese! How bad would everyone feel if they suddenly realised that their lovely summer salads were supporting the Basque seperatist group in there continuing war against the Spanish government for independence.
Maybe my friend had something with his little slip of the tongue I mean, FETA, ETA, not too far removed from each other are they? Both from the Med too! The Bastards, I haven't been able to look at cheese the same way since, just incase it's providing bombs for Al Qaecheddar.
That was the best (worst) pun I could conjure up at short notice. Please feel free to leave any cheese-terrorism related puns in the comments section if you can do better (worse).
Yours,
Osama Bin Edam.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Friday, September 22, 2006
Richard Hammond
The popular television presenter Richard Hammond has been involved in a near fatal accident whilst driving a jet powered car.
In the same vain as Steve Irwin, Hammond is a popular and likeable man with a family and thus tributes have been flooding in to the BBC for him. I like Richard Hammond, he's a congenial and affable character. I have watched and enjoyed most of the different programs he has hosted. He has the rare ability to laugh at and belittle himself for the audiences enjoyment.
However.
Let's not lose sight of what he was up to at the time.... driving a jet powered car....at 300 mph.
Jet engines are not designed for use in cars. The one in question being designed for use in a 1950's light attack aircraft. Car's are not generally designed for use with jet engines, being predominantly ground dwelling vehicles. Richard Hammond (and I'm assuming here most other humans) was not designed to stop suddenly at 300mph.
There are the facts. Whilst I have the utmost sympathy for the man and his family, it doesn't take a fucking genius to work out that it was...shall we say...a bit silly to be there in the first place.
As with Steve Irwin, who by the way I liked a lot, Hammond was out of his realm. If a Stingray was wandering into Irwin's his garden, he'd have been more than justified to kill it, especially if it was interfering with his barbecue or his kids swing. He strayed into the Stingray's realm, probably poked it with a stick, and well, the rest is history. Hammond was in a realm in which his vehicle should have been fitted with wings and a means of flight control, and, well....we'll see.
I hope he lives, then he can do it again, live on TV this time.
In the same vain as Steve Irwin, Hammond is a popular and likeable man with a family and thus tributes have been flooding in to the BBC for him. I like Richard Hammond, he's a congenial and affable character. I have watched and enjoyed most of the different programs he has hosted. He has the rare ability to laugh at and belittle himself for the audiences enjoyment.
However.
Let's not lose sight of what he was up to at the time.... driving a jet powered car....at 300 mph.
Jet engines are not designed for use in cars. The one in question being designed for use in a 1950's light attack aircraft. Car's are not generally designed for use with jet engines, being predominantly ground dwelling vehicles. Richard Hammond (and I'm assuming here most other humans) was not designed to stop suddenly at 300mph.
There are the facts. Whilst I have the utmost sympathy for the man and his family, it doesn't take a fucking genius to work out that it was...shall we say...a bit silly to be there in the first place.
As with Steve Irwin, who by the way I liked a lot, Hammond was out of his realm. If a Stingray was wandering into Irwin's his garden, he'd have been more than justified to kill it, especially if it was interfering with his barbecue or his kids swing. He strayed into the Stingray's realm, probably poked it with a stick, and well, the rest is history. Hammond was in a realm in which his vehicle should have been fitted with wings and a means of flight control, and, well....we'll see.
I hope he lives, then he can do it again, live on TV this time.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Biofuel Bollocks
Biofuels! The answer to all the worlds ills? I think not.
Now don't get me wrong, there is a lot of research into Biofuels at the minute. A lot of good research too. I'm all for that idea that we can grow crops, make breakfast cereal out of one bit, ferment the other bits into alcohol so I can get pissed cheaper and then with the remainder of what's left make a biofuel. A fuel that sucks carbon out of the air as it grows and then when it burns in a car engine, only gives out the same amount of Carbon Dioxide. Thus being "Carbon Neutral".
Great idea I think, as long as I can run my car cheaper.
Unfortunately everyone suddenly thinks this is the answer to all the worlds growing climate problems. So as a result, some bleeding-heart, cous cous eating, hemp sandal wearing, tree shagging wankers think that because we have this small technological breakthrough......... lets punish anyone who doesn't use it!
Who shall we punish?????? AIRLINES!!!! Yes that's right those massive businesses who have such a strong and stable foothold on the world economy? No, the one industry who have been through hell in the last 5 years, shed millions of jobs and are barely surviving. Let's punish them!
All these hole dwelling, protesting Greenpeace arseholes are under the impression that it'd be great to tax airlines out of the air. Well get in line sweethearts, my old mate Mr Al Qaeda is already hell bent on frightening the shit out of everyone who steps on a plane. The last thing air travelers need is a brainless twat trying to force the airlines to run jet engines on Olive oil, or tax people for the pleasure of using oil derivative fuel.
The world economy has driven the need and demand for air transport. Without a question of a doubt air transport, whether it be cargo shipments or SLF (Self Loading Freight, work it out for yourself) the world economy relies on my industry to survive. Countries which haven't before had a pot to piss in have seen a step change in their economies with the advent of cheap air travel for tourism and import/export of goods.
I can't see what good pricing airlines and passengers out of the air will have for the environment. Yes we will have slightly better chances of reversing the onslaught of climate change, but at the same time people will simply pay more money for the privilege, economies will suffer and more and more people will be out of jobs.
Was climate change known about at the time of the industrial revolution? Imagine if you will that industry leaders of the day were approached by a 'Government Think Tank' crewed with a bunch of Organic Rice Cake eating University Post Grads and suggested that their interests were harming our beautiful Earth and maybe they should consider some less polluting alternatives alternatives to Coal. I'd like to think that they'd be taken outside and given a jolly good thrashing to within an inch of their worthless lives, just to teach them a lesson.
I think things should be the same today. All the fuckwits who are eager to appear on Newsnight blathering on about the benefits of fueling aircraft with 'Biofuel alternatives' should be sent skyward in a 747, over the mid Atlantic, full of Vegetable Oil, to learn a stark lesson in the freezing points of liquids. Namely that, at minus 56 degrees centigrade, most things other than jet fuel (including self righteous politicians) will FREEZE, rendering them useless (self righteous politicians become useless at anything nearing room temperature).
I guess what I'm saying is that there is a good reason that aircraft with jet engines need to use this type of Oil derivative fuel. Contrary to popular opinion there is not a department in each airline trying to work out how to best pollute the planet. I suggest that if the people who are so concerned with pollution want to do something proactive about it,stop trying to intercept Oil tankers by blockading them with 13ft rubber dinghies, disembark from 'The Rainbow Warrior' and go to Uni, get yourself a real and worthwhile degree, say in Physics or Mechanical Engineering and solve some problems.
Lets line these dissenters up against a wall and shoot them in cold blood. That will significantly reduce the amount of Carbon Dioxide emissions they produce whilst spouting politically correct shite. Need any volunteers for the firing squad, I'm your man. I'll work overtime too, without pay!
Pricks!
Now don't get me wrong, there is a lot of research into Biofuels at the minute. A lot of good research too. I'm all for that idea that we can grow crops, make breakfast cereal out of one bit, ferment the other bits into alcohol so I can get pissed cheaper and then with the remainder of what's left make a biofuel. A fuel that sucks carbon out of the air as it grows and then when it burns in a car engine, only gives out the same amount of Carbon Dioxide. Thus being "Carbon Neutral".
Great idea I think, as long as I can run my car cheaper.
Unfortunately everyone suddenly thinks this is the answer to all the worlds growing climate problems. So as a result, some bleeding-heart, cous cous eating, hemp sandal wearing, tree shagging wankers think that because we have this small technological breakthrough......... lets punish anyone who doesn't use it!
Who shall we punish?????? AIRLINES!!!! Yes that's right those massive businesses who have such a strong and stable foothold on the world economy? No, the one industry who have been through hell in the last 5 years, shed millions of jobs and are barely surviving. Let's punish them!
All these hole dwelling, protesting Greenpeace arseholes are under the impression that it'd be great to tax airlines out of the air. Well get in line sweethearts, my old mate Mr Al Qaeda is already hell bent on frightening the shit out of everyone who steps on a plane. The last thing air travelers need is a brainless twat trying to force the airlines to run jet engines on Olive oil, or tax people for the pleasure of using oil derivative fuel.
The world economy has driven the need and demand for air transport. Without a question of a doubt air transport, whether it be cargo shipments or SLF (Self Loading Freight, work it out for yourself) the world economy relies on my industry to survive. Countries which haven't before had a pot to piss in have seen a step change in their economies with the advent of cheap air travel for tourism and import/export of goods.
I can't see what good pricing airlines and passengers out of the air will have for the environment. Yes we will have slightly better chances of reversing the onslaught of climate change, but at the same time people will simply pay more money for the privilege, economies will suffer and more and more people will be out of jobs.
Was climate change known about at the time of the industrial revolution? Imagine if you will that industry leaders of the day were approached by a 'Government Think Tank' crewed with a bunch of Organic Rice Cake eating University Post Grads and suggested that their interests were harming our beautiful Earth and maybe they should consider some less polluting alternatives alternatives to Coal. I'd like to think that they'd be taken outside and given a jolly good thrashing to within an inch of their worthless lives, just to teach them a lesson.
I think things should be the same today. All the fuckwits who are eager to appear on Newsnight blathering on about the benefits of fueling aircraft with 'Biofuel alternatives' should be sent skyward in a 747, over the mid Atlantic, full of Vegetable Oil, to learn a stark lesson in the freezing points of liquids. Namely that, at minus 56 degrees centigrade, most things other than jet fuel (including self righteous politicians) will FREEZE, rendering them useless (self righteous politicians become useless at anything nearing room temperature).
I guess what I'm saying is that there is a good reason that aircraft with jet engines need to use this type of Oil derivative fuel. Contrary to popular opinion there is not a department in each airline trying to work out how to best pollute the planet. I suggest that if the people who are so concerned with pollution want to do something proactive about it,stop trying to intercept Oil tankers by blockading them with 13ft rubber dinghies, disembark from 'The Rainbow Warrior' and go to Uni, get yourself a real and worthwhile degree, say in Physics or Mechanical Engineering and solve some problems.
Lets line these dissenters up against a wall and shoot them in cold blood. That will significantly reduce the amount of Carbon Dioxide emissions they produce whilst spouting politically correct shite. Need any volunteers for the firing squad, I'm your man. I'll work overtime too, without pay!
Pricks!
Blogging
I've been fucking lazy! Unbelievably fucking lazy. I've not blogged for a long long time, so long I nearly forgot the password. Why?
Well I don't quite know. I suppose there have been several reasons. I was on a project at work for about 3 months. It took a lot out of me, even though everyone else thinks it was a scam. It's not worth explaining fully unless anyone reading this understands the intricate nature of migrating Airworthiness data from a 30 year old computer system to a 3 year old one. Shit, I'm even boring myself with just outlining it!
After the project I went back to "normal" work for about 2 or 3 days. My senior manager then asked me if I'd like to go off and do something different, off the back of what I'd achieved on the project. It sounded like good career development and a bit of an easy ride for 6 months. Oh how wrong I could be! It's fucking mental! A pretty thankless job, ultra high workload, little if any respect and it's bloody draining!
I suppose all of this has led me to feeling less 'funny' about things. I haven't lost my sense of humour, I hope. But I can't feel as flippant and surreal about life as I used to. I started this blog as a sideline to performing comedy. Hoping it would self-generate ideas and material. It did for a while, but I suppose as the life was knocked out of me and I started feeling less funny, I didn't want to just log on and moan about how shit I felt.
Anyway, I was driving home after my third nightshift the other morning, listening to Radio 4, a station for boring people, fishermen, farmers, old people and information junkies. There's lots of info on R4, lots of really meaty stuff. Gardeners World, Farming today, The Shipping forecast and prayer for the day. Anyway, I was listening to an interview with an exceptionally boring man who ran a political Blog. This wanker was getting 10-20,000 hits a day on his site. What a cunt! At future projections it'll take me 16 years to get 10,000 hits! Asked what was his secret of blogging, he said, it's simple, you have to blog every day! No matter how you feel. Whether you have something worthwhile to say or not. This forces you to talk (type) about something different ever day. Keepin' it fresh, keepin' it real, hangin' with the homies, talkin' like a bell-end!
You know what, he's right! He's fucking boring and he gets nearly twenty thousand hits a day! My life is fairly boring and what do I get, bored and even more boring! So funny or not, boring or not. I'm gonna write more. Blog more. Even if I think it's rubbish. That's the key to a blog, it's a log, of stuff about my life, boring or interesting, sad or funny.
I should and I will do more. I owe it to myself, my life owes it to me and the internet deserves to be poisoned by my shit!
Cheers muckers!
Well I don't quite know. I suppose there have been several reasons. I was on a project at work for about 3 months. It took a lot out of me, even though everyone else thinks it was a scam. It's not worth explaining fully unless anyone reading this understands the intricate nature of migrating Airworthiness data from a 30 year old computer system to a 3 year old one. Shit, I'm even boring myself with just outlining it!
After the project I went back to "normal" work for about 2 or 3 days. My senior manager then asked me if I'd like to go off and do something different, off the back of what I'd achieved on the project. It sounded like good career development and a bit of an easy ride for 6 months. Oh how wrong I could be! It's fucking mental! A pretty thankless job, ultra high workload, little if any respect and it's bloody draining!
I suppose all of this has led me to feeling less 'funny' about things. I haven't lost my sense of humour, I hope. But I can't feel as flippant and surreal about life as I used to. I started this blog as a sideline to performing comedy. Hoping it would self-generate ideas and material. It did for a while, but I suppose as the life was knocked out of me and I started feeling less funny, I didn't want to just log on and moan about how shit I felt.
Anyway, I was driving home after my third nightshift the other morning, listening to Radio 4, a station for boring people, fishermen, farmers, old people and information junkies. There's lots of info on R4, lots of really meaty stuff. Gardeners World, Farming today, The Shipping forecast and prayer for the day. Anyway, I was listening to an interview with an exceptionally boring man who ran a political Blog. This wanker was getting 10-20,000 hits a day on his site. What a cunt! At future projections it'll take me 16 years to get 10,000 hits! Asked what was his secret of blogging, he said, it's simple, you have to blog every day! No matter how you feel. Whether you have something worthwhile to say or not. This forces you to talk (type) about something different ever day. Keepin' it fresh, keepin' it real, hangin' with the homies, talkin' like a bell-end!
You know what, he's right! He's fucking boring and he gets nearly twenty thousand hits a day! My life is fairly boring and what do I get, bored and even more boring! So funny or not, boring or not. I'm gonna write more. Blog more. Even if I think it's rubbish. That's the key to a blog, it's a log, of stuff about my life, boring or interesting, sad or funny.
I should and I will do more. I owe it to myself, my life owes it to me and the internet deserves to be poisoned by my shit!
Cheers muckers!
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