It's nearly world cup time again. It hardly seems like 4 years since fans rioted on the streets of Germany.
Ok so I lied, hardly any fans rioted in Germany. Maybe that's because they knew that they'd be taken away for a 'special shower' if they did.
Before I start the rant that this blog entry is surely destined to be, I should be open and honest and lay my cards on the table. I am Scottish. Ok I said it. We Scots have a reputation of hating the English, their football team in particular and supporting 'anyone who plays England'. This usually brings on the pathetic retorts from the xenophobic fuckwits at large such as 'if you don't like it here, fuck off home'. No thanks, I rather like it here. I don't hate the English in fact I live in England, I love it here, I consider it my home in fact. When I go to visit Scotland I can't wait to get back home, to England.
The facts above should lend particular weight and credence to the arguments I am about to present, hopefully.
I hate English football. I hate the team and I especially hate anyone who supports the team. I hate the World Cup and I hate the European championships. I can hear screams of 'go home then' being transmitted through the internet already. So why could a man who so loves living and working in England, who considers it his home indeed, hate the very soil that his fellow countrymen walk on?
Humility
Yes read it and try with your tiny mind to understand. Humility. Something that evades 99.99% of England fans. Let me offer a little insight into an age old question. A question that has been debated on countless talk radio station over the years, a question that has been drunkenly discussed in pubs north and south of the border for many a moon. The question is this:
Why do the Scottish hate the England football team so much?
Many postulations have been made over this age old question. Many a drunken night has been spent discussing and falling out over just this question. Many talk radio hours have been wasted giving air time to English people claiming the Scots are just jealous and counter claims by the Scots that the English are just stuck up bastards. I can reveal, neither are correct. Although both have an element of truth.
I can reveal in a scoop: The reason that the Scottish people hate the England football team and the English fans so much is quite simple: Expectation of triumph.
Don't believe me? Just switch on your radio and listen to any English DJ who shows any passing interest in football. As I write this the date is 02nd June. I listen to a UK wide radio station everyday, I like the DJ who does the breakfast show, although he is predisposed to football and for the last month (at least) he has been talking about England WINNING the World Cup. Not participating, not getting to the quarters or the semis, not doing well, WINNING.
That is why Scottish people hate anything to do with English football. It's not jealousy as most people believe. It's not because Scots just hate the English whatever. It's because of the expectation of triumph that every England fan seems to be predisposed to.
You see the Scottish people know and understand that they have a shit football team. We know this, it's no revelation to us that every 2 years we swallow down the phlegm of sporting disappointment as our team either fail to qualify or do qualify and then crash out in the first round. But we don't ever expect to win, we have a humility that carries us through this disappointment and spits us out at the other end with a sense that we done shit, but hey we're Scottish and we didn't expect anything else, lets get drunk anyway, and hey, there's always next time huh?
The English however are a completely different breed. Fuelled by fuckwit DJ's preaching what they mistake for patriotism or nationalism, there's not an English football fan in the country that doesn't believe they are going to win the World Cup by the time the first ball is kicked. I can't blame them. I always watch the English games and usually for the first 5 mins I am supporting England. Yes you read it correctly, I support England. That is until.... the commentators (usually John Motson) starts reeling off the old cliches like the following or at least including the following words:
1966
Geoff Hurst
England's famous 5-1 defeat over Germany
the Scottish stole the goalposts from Wembley
We was robbed by Maradona/Argentina
Three lions
Bobby Charlton
...and sundry other bullshit. As soon as the commentary starts on the first England game of the World Cup I can bet that one of the commentators will start to moot the idea that England can actually win the whole championship, quoting some or all of the above as evidence of England's impending triumph.
So what am I actually getting at here? After all what is the point in taking part in a competition such as the World Cup if you don't set out to win? The problem is that England fans have an expectation of triumph, unwavering and unswerving confidence in victory, a victory so sweet and so perfect that for ANOTHER 44 years we good people of the British Isles will never hear the end of it. This is unacceptable. Believe it or not, everyone knows the England football team are one of the the best in the world, but no one wants them to win because we couldn't possibly stomach the arrogance, overbearing and conceited pride that the average Englishman would walk around displaying like a bloated cockerel with three lions on his beer belly.
The untermensch of this land oft wander around screaming "2 world wars and 1 world cup" when England play Germany. They say this like they were actually there at Dunkirk, having their legs blown off and their friends decapitated by German Panzerfaust. So proud they are of their football team they suffer extreme delusions of participation in WW2.
That's why everyone except the English hate the English football team. It's not because we are bitter at being shit at football, it's not because we just hate the English with no justifictation, it's not even because you talk funny. It's because you are a nation of swaggeringly arrogant, immodest, narcissistic, pompous, conceited, egotistical cunts.
Go get some humility, then I might change my mind. But you know what, I bet you are so arrogant, you don't even care.
On the 11th of July this year I hope to be singing "1 Eurovision song contest and 1 World Cup" for obvious reasons.
2 comments:
Nice post, I'd rather the 3 lions were giving you a rim job, but that's just my personal preference!
Please, please make sure you're chanting "5 Eurovisions, 1 World Cup" because UK has won Eurovision 5 times over the years and if you're going to get your head kicked in by skin heads for referencing Eurovision and being assumed gay, then I want them to know that at least your facts were 'straight'! Check this factoid re the wins by googling "how many times has uk won eurovision" and see if you can spot what is wrong with the first hit http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_many_times_has_England_won_the_Eurovision_song_contest ... okay, granted, it's the www so there's no guarantee it was an English person who posted that question to wiki answers, but I'd put good money on that question originating from England and I'd put even more money on the cocky bastard who put that person in their place being Scottish!
This year I hosted the Eurovision party. This involved buying lots of Union Jack stuff to adorn the house while we sat back and watched the poor bloke representing the UK flush his career down the toilet (well, that's what happens when your entry is shit!). In my pursuit of Union Jacks I realised that in the run up to the World Cup the Union Jack seems to have been earmarked for World Cup glory. Huh? I thought England had it's own flag and that the Union Jack was actually made up of the Scottish, English and Northern Ireland. Wales isn't included in the Union Jack, because the Welsh have always refused to bend over and take it up the arse from England... well, okay, that's not true, Wales was a Principality rather than a Kingdom when the Union Jack was made.
Why am I pissed off that En-ger-land are trying to claim the Union Jack for their team?
Shouldn't I just be happy that they're taking us along for the ride?
Was I completely insane to decorate my home in a predominantly Catholic area of North Lanarkshire with Union Jacks?
My last question highlights something else very wrong with our country, but your blog post has answered the question of why people hate the English nicely!
I was actually suggesting that I'd be supporting Germany by singing "1 Eurovision and 1 World Cup", however you make a good point as I never checked up on how many Eurovisions or World Cups Germany had won. So for clarity, if Germany do win, I will be chanting the number of Eurovisions and World Cups won in the last 12 months.
However, I think the England fans should start chanting about Eurovision success as we've won 3 more Eurovisions than World Wars, although the participation level in wars has been slightly lower than Eurovisions (only very slightly though!).
With regard to the rim job, as long as they kept those fangs covered up, wouldn't want them snagging a dangle-berry now would we? Ouch!
Post a Comment