Now India Arie is at it too!

I don't believe that after only one day I am FORCED out of sheer exasperation to write another post on a similar topic.

India Arie (some weird singer-bint) has released a song called 'I am not my hair'!

What the fuck are these people going on about? Listen India, love, I'm not my toenails, but you don't you don't see me screaming about it do you? No I just get on with it!

India says:

Does the way I wear my hair make me a better person
Does the way I wear my hair make me a better friend
Does the way I wear my hair determine my integrity
Expressing my creativity

No but if you have a shit haircut everyone will think your an arsehole, no matter what's inside. And that's just me 'being real' with you, word dog!

Anyway what's with people calling their children India? It's seen to be 'cool' and a bit spiritual and stuff. What with the mysticism of the Himalayas and the ancient techings of Hindu gods etc etc. However coupled with the facts that it's also a developing country with massive overpopulation, environmental degradation, extensive poverty, and ethnic and religious strife, and an ongoing border dispute with Pakistan over the Kashmir region, I think it's a pretty fucking inconsiderate name for a child. Infact why don't you just call your child "your shit, you smell, you can't afford to eat and your neighbour doesn't like you" and be done with it?

Fucking stuck up poncy arseholes, and their pretentious kids and their pretentious music, get's right up my nose!!!!!!

Rant over......for now.

Shakira is an EVIL Colombian drugs Baroness

Now I wouldn't usually lead off with such an alarming and sensationalist title, however on this occasion I feel I'm justified.

You see Latino-chocolate-skinned-pop-princess Shakira has just recently released a track entitled ‘My Hips Don't Lie'. Quite an innocent and jolly little summertime ditty I think you'll agree. But underneath the jovial Latin guitar strings and the clacking of over active maracas there lies the deep and disturbing message of an international drugs cartel.

The basic premise of the song is Shakira trying to convince the listener and co-singer Wyclef Jean that her hips ‘don’t lie’.

I can only imagine from this that Shakira believes she has talking hips! Not only do they talk to her, but she has such an unshakeable belief in their integrity that she actively defends their every word with an increasingly shrill tone. A woman who thinks her hips are talking? Now I’ve seen some crazy things whilst growing up in this fair land. I’ve seen pissed people on the streets of Glasgow at 7 o’clock in the morning, licking dogs piss off lampposts and talking to their best (but invisible) friend Jesus. I’ve seen a man on the London Underground with no face or hands, begging for £2 coins whilst apologizing to children for giving them nightmares. But I have never, ever seen a woman talking to her hips!

Let’s examine the lyrics:

Oh boy, I can see your body moving
Half animal, half man
I don't, don't really know what I'm doing
But you seem to have a plan
My will and self restraint
Have come to fail now, fail now
See, I am doing what I can, but I can't so you know
That's a bit too hard to explain

Oh boy, she’s fucked! These are the lyrics of someone so off their face on crack cocaine that she thinks she’s looking at a half animal-man beast perhaps a Greek mythological Centaur, half man half horse and we all know the Spanish LOVE their dancing horses! Then she states that she doesn’t really know what she’s doing and that she has no self restraint, no shit girl, I’m not surprised, you’ve put so much of colombia’s finest up your nose that your hips are talking and Wyclef Jean has mutated into a four legged horse-rapper!

Wyclef replies:

Señorita, feel the conga, let me see you move like you come from Colombia

Oh I don’t think Shakira needs to dance to show that she’s from Colombia. The mere fact that she’s lying in the toilet with a crack pipe in her hand and blood running down her nose, whilst having a full blown conversation with her lower torso should prove without a doubt that she’s Colombian alright.

Yeah
She's so sexy every man's fantasy a refugee like me back with the Fugees from a 3rd world country
I go back like when 'pac carried crates for Humpty Humpty
I need a whole club dizzy
Why the CIA wanna watch us? [Shakira/Wyclef Jean]
Colombians and Haitians
I ain't guilty, it's a musical transaction
No more do we snatch ropes
Refugees run the seas 'cause we own our own boats

Now she’s a refugee from a third world country and Wyclef is talking about Tupac carrying crates for Humpty Dumpty, a popular children's nursery rhyme character who was infact a large egg! It seems to me that Wy and Shak have come together, not only to make music but also to invent a type of drug so strong that, Shakira should be running a website called www.ask-shakira’s-hips.com and Wyclef can see a dead rapper carrying crates (of drugs presumably) for a large Egg-man siting on a wall. What’s worse, they’ve managed to buy their own boats, which means their obviously going to traffik this new ultra hallucinogenic crap around the world illegally.

The bastards!!!! It’s time to rise up and stop this onslaught. These people aren’t just happy with peddling this muck to our children (figuratively speaking cause I’ve not got kids) but they’re also selling records about it in a seemingly ‘harmless’ way! THEY’RE TAKEING US FOR MUGS PEOPLE! PLANTING THE SEEDS OF ADDICTION IN OUR MINDS!!!!!!
It’s time to stop these evil bastards plying their filthy trade!

Unfortunately I’m busy and haven’t got the time for the next few weeks, but hopefully this will inspire someone else to do it on my behalf. Let me know how you get on.

The Timewaster Letters

I have just finished reading a funny book. It’s called The Timewaster Letters. It’s by a guy who calls himself Robin Cooper (real name Robert Popper). He has searched out some most bizarre and mundane societies and organisations ,among other people, to write some very silly letters to and documented the replies (if any). Some of the letters are downright stupid and some hold fantastical misunderstandings of the organisation's purpose. One thing they have in common though, is that whether they received a reply or not, they’re all very funny and clever! It really is a laugh out loud book and I don’t say that lightly. I haven’t laughed out loud at a book since I discovered the word ‘irony’ and then re-read The Bible.

I read this book in 3 days flat! SO WHAT? I hear you exclaim. Well let me tell you this, I’m shit at reading. I once read a book by my favourite author John Simpson which was 500 or so pages long and it took me 10 months! Don’t get me wrong, I can read, the physical process has been beaten into me since I was a schoolboy in Scotland. I just can’t engage myself with reading when there are real, more physical things going on around me. The Timewaster Letters is nearly 200 pages long, that means I read it 40 times faster than the John Simpson book (assuming an average of 30 days per month).

I would recommend this book to anyone with a sense of humour it’s bloody brilliant!!!

Buy it here: The Timewaster Letters

Liz

Someone called Liz was the first person to comment on any of my blog entries. Thanks Liz, big up yourself! She has a blog of her own, which is funny. It's a collection of rantings and ravings and that kind of thing appeals to my sense of humour. So check out her blog here: Killer rants

Unfortunately as Liz is the only person who reads my blog, she'll also be the only person following the link back to her own blog, which probably won't be that interesting for her as she wrote it.

Aw well, at least I tried!

Dignity

The region where I live is currently under a drought order . There are severe restrictions placed on water usage and especially frivilous commercial use of water. Such restrictions include shutting all car washes so vain people have to go around with dirty cars and no commercial watering of plants unless they are sold as food. So old people won't be able to buy nice plants for their gardens and all gardens will soon look as shit as mine.

Much to my disgust there are is a group of Eastern Europeans running a hand car wash just around the corner from my house. Not only are they flagrantly breaking the drought order (which hopefully is punishable by death) they are also using wastefull WASTEFULL hosepipes to wash said vehicles. Of course, they aren't just doing this in full view of the general public, oh no, they're too clever for that. A large, dishwater grey, mouldy tarpaulin has been strung up in front of the derelict petrol station where they are carrying out this heanous activity. That's got most people fooled, but not this sharp eyed water sleuth! Am I going to report this illegal activity to the authorities? You fucking bet I am!

So I hear you ask, what is the point of entitling this post 'Dignity' then banging on about some Eastern European carwashing syndicate? I am imagining that operating the car wash and working there is probably the only source of income that these immigrant workers have. If I tell the authorities and they are shut down, they may lose that income and be unable to house or feed their families. That would be depriving them of their dignity. Some of them may become desperate and turn to crime, depriving the innocent victims of their dignity too. Maybe even becoming embroiled in the growing underworld of crack dealing. Thus depriving crack addicts of their dignity too! As you can see, if I carry out my threat to report them, I could be depriving a whole lot of people from a whole lot of dignity.

On the flip side of this, if these people continue this activity, our water supplies will run out even quicker. When the water level get to crisis point the water authorities will reduce the mains pressure to all of our houses and when it gets bad enough our water supply to our houses will be shut off completely. I will then be forced to take water to my house in a bucket from a pipe standing in the street and probably only during certain hours of the day. The upshot of all this is....

I WILL BE FORCED TO FLUSH MY POOH DOWN THE TOILET WITH A BUCKET OF WATER, OR WORSE, SOMEONE ELSE'S POOH!

Now where's the dignity in that?

Fuck it, I'll report them forthwith.

Lazy

I've just realised it's been over a month since I've wrote anything on my blog. I think there are three things at play here:

1. I'm lazy
2. I've just turned thirty and I'm trying to work out what that means in a "I've just turned thirty and I'm taking a spiritual look at my life" kind of way
3. I'm lazy

There's a coorelation here.

I've always been one of those people who try not to get hung up on the whole 'numbers' thing. It doesn't matter whether your 29, 30, 40 or whatever. Your still the same person, thinking the same things. But no matter how hard I try and ignore it, turning thirty bothers me to some extent or another. Even from a practical point of view, I'm in a whole different 'tick box' now. Never again will I truthfully be able to tick 24-29 on a form. The next box is always 30+ and I'll have to wait 10 years before making the next jump. Does this mean life moves slower now? As you progress through your teens and 20's there are lots of little jumps, lots of chances to improve and change before hitting the next barrier. But now I'm in a 10 year bracket of thirtyness. This sudden change in my ticking habits has forced me to question the person I've become and whether this person is so wildy different to the same me 12 months ago. What with all the inner reflection and concentrating as to which box to apply my ticking, my laziness has accelerated out of all proportions.

Being lazy before all this has't helped one bit. You'd have thought I'd be used to it and just worked through it but it's only held me back even further. The washing pile is even higher than normal, my house has given a whole new meaning to the word 'filth'. My front garden is starting to resemble a biblical place where wild beasts (next doors cats) roam through uncharted jungle (2 foot high grass) in search of a peacefull oasis ( a puddle underneath my dead rose bush). I keep trying to persuade myself that now I'm 'that bit older', I'm just able to take a bit more time for me and to appreciate the small things in life, like endless repeats of Top Gear on Bravo.

So to what conclusions has all this soul searching led me?
1. I'm Lazy
2. I'm thirty
3. I'm lazy

Things don't really change, you just get older and think about them more.