Shakira is an EVIL Colombian drugs Baroness

Now I wouldn't usually lead off with such an alarming and sensationalist title, however on this occasion I feel I'm justified.

You see Latino-chocolate-skinned-pop-princess Shakira has just recently released a track entitled ‘My Hips Don't Lie'. Quite an innocent and jolly little summertime ditty I think you'll agree. But underneath the jovial Latin guitar strings and the clacking of over active maracas there lies the deep and disturbing message of an international drugs cartel.

The basic premise of the song is Shakira trying to convince the listener and co-singer Wyclef Jean that her hips ‘don’t lie’.

I can only imagine from this that Shakira believes she has talking hips! Not only do they talk to her, but she has such an unshakeable belief in their integrity that she actively defends their every word with an increasingly shrill tone. A woman who thinks her hips are talking? Now I’ve seen some crazy things whilst growing up in this fair land. I’ve seen pissed people on the streets of Glasgow at 7 o’clock in the morning, licking dogs piss off lampposts and talking to their best (but invisible) friend Jesus. I’ve seen a man on the London Underground with no face or hands, begging for £2 coins whilst apologizing to children for giving them nightmares. But I have never, ever seen a woman talking to her hips!

Let’s examine the lyrics:

Oh boy, I can see your body moving
Half animal, half man
I don't, don't really know what I'm doing
But you seem to have a plan
My will and self restraint
Have come to fail now, fail now
See, I am doing what I can, but I can't so you know
That's a bit too hard to explain

Oh boy, she’s fucked! These are the lyrics of someone so off their face on crack cocaine that she thinks she’s looking at a half animal-man beast perhaps a Greek mythological Centaur, half man half horse and we all know the Spanish LOVE their dancing horses! Then she states that she doesn’t really know what she’s doing and that she has no self restraint, no shit girl, I’m not surprised, you’ve put so much of colombia’s finest up your nose that your hips are talking and Wyclef Jean has mutated into a four legged horse-rapper!

Wyclef replies:

Señorita, feel the conga, let me see you move like you come from Colombia

Oh I don’t think Shakira needs to dance to show that she’s from Colombia. The mere fact that she’s lying in the toilet with a crack pipe in her hand and blood running down her nose, whilst having a full blown conversation with her lower torso should prove without a doubt that she’s Colombian alright.

Yeah
She's so sexy every man's fantasy a refugee like me back with the Fugees from a 3rd world country
I go back like when 'pac carried crates for Humpty Humpty
I need a whole club dizzy
Why the CIA wanna watch us? [Shakira/Wyclef Jean]
Colombians and Haitians
I ain't guilty, it's a musical transaction
No more do we snatch ropes
Refugees run the seas 'cause we own our own boats

Now she’s a refugee from a third world country and Wyclef is talking about Tupac carrying crates for Humpty Dumpty, a popular children's nursery rhyme character who was infact a large egg! It seems to me that Wy and Shak have come together, not only to make music but also to invent a type of drug so strong that, Shakira should be running a website called www.ask-shakira’s-hips.com and Wyclef can see a dead rapper carrying crates (of drugs presumably) for a large Egg-man siting on a wall. What’s worse, they’ve managed to buy their own boats, which means their obviously going to traffik this new ultra hallucinogenic crap around the world illegally.

The bastards!!!! It’s time to rise up and stop this onslaught. These people aren’t just happy with peddling this muck to our children (figuratively speaking cause I’ve not got kids) but they’re also selling records about it in a seemingly ‘harmless’ way! THEY’RE TAKEING US FOR MUGS PEOPLE! PLANTING THE SEEDS OF ADDICTION IN OUR MINDS!!!!!!
It’s time to stop these evil bastards plying their filthy trade!

Unfortunately I’m busy and haven’t got the time for the next few weeks, but hopefully this will inspire someone else to do it on my behalf. Let me know how you get on.