Charles Clark

Pressure is mounting on the home secretary Charles Clark to resign, in the light of immigrant criminals being released from prison without deportation. That's bad. However I think he should resign, if for no other reason, because he has huge ears and looks like Pob. I can't take a man like that seriously and certainly don't want him being my home secretary.



Pob






Charles Clark

I love a bargain, me

I had the displeasure of being in my local Asda store the other day. Whilst walking past the reductions cabinet I overheard a middle aged woman saying "oh I love a bargain, me". By saying this out loud I can only assume that she believes to be existence somewhere, people who do not like a bargain. Infact by her use of the word 'love' she must think there are people somewhere who 'hate' a good bargain.

So somewhere out there, perhaps in an Asda, perhaps not there is someone staying well away from the reductions cabinet and probably saying "I can't stand it when things are offered to me for a substantially reduced price, or heaven forbid a deal whereby when I buy one product, I get another one absolutely free, come to think of it, if I could sum up all my feelings on this, matter I'd probably say, I hate a good bargain, me!"

These people must exist and she must know about them because she said the sentence out loud and that would be the only reason for someone to need to say that out loud. It would be like me walking down the street and shouting "I love air, me" so that any 'air haters' in close proximity would know to stay away from me, a confirmed air lover. It's just one of those things that exist and don't need any confirmation or announcement.

So from now on before you say something out loud, consider whether you'll simply be stating the obvious. Unless of course your just another sad, opinionated, unemployed, brain dead, middle aged loser, who hangs around in Asda.

Weirdigan

My friend came up with a new word the other day. He called someone a "fucking weirdigan", being childish, I laughed. I can only assume the word is constructed by mixing the words 'weirdo' and 'cardigan'. Indeed weirdos do sometimes wear cardigans, so it fits together quite nicely.

I haven't used the word towards anyone yet, but I'm visibly excited at the prospect.

Fucking Weirdigan.

Ask Moses

The other day I stumbled across one of the strangest and possibly stupidest websites I've ever seen:

www.AskMoses.com

Yep, you got it, a jewish search engine, presumably modeled on www.AskJeeves.com . I have no problem with the Jewish faith or Jews in general but when I had a closer look at the website, it all started to appear very very wrong indeed.

Firstly I noticed that instead of writing the word'God' most of the website referred to G-d. Perhaps, i thought, I'm not as worldly wise as I believed and Jews have a different God to us Christians. A kind of abbreiviated God, with the kind of abbrieviation that doesn't actually make the word God any shorter. Why not just write 'Gd' then you're saving a whole character's worth of bandwidth for your website (Not that I'm suggesting Jews are tight or anything, maybe space is just at a premium). On further investigation I found an article here:

Why do many people write God with a dash ("G-d")?

explaining that defacing or erasing the word God is forbidden hence the abbreviation. This is presumably to stop any little God related accidents, like accidentally printing out the word God, then using the same piece of paper to test a pen or to doodle on whilst on the telephone - Forbidden! So presumably these accidents have happened in the past and using G-d is a new preventative measure to save having to store any piece of paper which mentions God in a secure holding facility, out of harms way. I feel however that even erasing or defacing G-d is still two thirds sacreligious because I immediately recognise that it's meant to represent God and therefore, to my mind, the evil deed has still been done. Instaed I think there should be special holding centres to take such God laden pieces of paper to, kind of like when you take your old fridge to the dump and they have to keep it forever so it doesn't destroy the ozone layer. Come to think of it, it's pretty much forbidden to dismantle or destroy a fridge too, so perhaps God and fridges have more in common than we all thought. Looking at the facts I already know about both God and fridges, both are definitely the strong silent type.

The whole God/G-d debate is only the tip of the Goldberg.... sorry Iceberg where AskMoses is concerned. There are a plethora of fascinating and informative articles hidden away. For example:
What does the Torah say about cross-dressing?
What is wrong with masturbation?
and my favourite:
Why is it forbidden to be intimate with a menstruating woman
to which my answer would have been "because it's a bit minging" but apparently it's G-d's way of not letting you get bored with her (oh and by the way according to the editor you should be in seperate beds to sleep for a week too).


Questions, questions, questions

I had a few unanswered questions I wanted to ask Moses, so I emailed him. This is what I wrote:

Hi Moses,
I was wondering if you could answer a question for me.
In Numbers 31:15-18 you called for the massacre of all young boys and any women, except as you know, virgin girls. Furthermore you bestowed upon the Egyptians 10 horrific plagues for the release of the Hebrew people. By modern standards, these plagues would have probably signalled the end of the world to most people, and the tabloid press would have had a field day I'm sure. What with all water turning to blood, plagues of frogs, flies, gnats and locusts, 3 days of darkness and the mass murder of all the first born of Egypt (even the animals). Obviously you know all that, because you perpetrated it all.
My question is, did you ever feel even a little bit guilty? Did you ever seek to question G-d about this apparent ethnic cleansing? And finally, with the enormous fire power and almost xenophobic will you had, how do you think it relates to the struggle between the modern Israelies and Palestinians?
Yours, in good faith, Mick

I'll post any reply I get in the future. If you have any questions you'd like to AskMoses (although I'm beginning to wonder if he's the right person to be handing out advice!) , email him here: mail@askmoses.com

Richard Herring - Warming Up

A fishy name but clever man. Richard Herring is one of my comedy idols and it was his website which gave me the idea for my own blog. He calls his blog 'warming up' cause he uses his writing about everyday things to generate material and ideas for his stand up. The idea appeals to me cause he takes the real mundane aspects of life and subjects them to unfaltering analysis which invariably turns into quite amusing writing. I'm under no illusions that my blog will be anywhere near as comprehensive (he's not missed one day in three years!) or indeed amusing as his, but I've got to start somewhere.

Here's one of my favourite recent entries from Easter Sunday. It discusses why Jesus may have been slightly disappointed by having his life celebrated by cinnamon buns and chocolate eggs. Very clever:

http://www.richardherring.com/warmingup/warmingup.php?id=1257

Truth Enrichment

In a statement today the US government defended its continuing program of Truth Enrichment. Washington insists this program is purely for industrial use and will have 'no military outcome whatsoever'.

Speculation and fear has been growing around the globe, especially in the Arab world, that the program embarked on by the US government will have repercussions for countries such Iran who's governments and armed forces do not have access to any Truth, enriched or not.

Propaganda

For months now the US have been using full scale 'media centrifuges' to turn inert Truth Ore into a highly enriched and volatile compound known as 'Propaganda 1441'. The US deny that production of Propaganda 1441 has been stepped up recently. A White House spokesman said "We do not possess enough enriched Truth to use in a military campaign against any other civilized country. The US has not been in production of this level of Propaganda 1441 since early 2003"

Xenophobia

Enriched Truth in the form of Propaganda 1441, although harmless in itself can be a deadly weapon in the wrong hands. When combined with Radio waves or Television frequencies or applied to Newspaper in it's pure form it can have devastating effect in a war situation. It spreads quickly over large land masses, even one as large as North America is not safe. In it's victims it causes an irrational state of fear and alarm leading to muddled , often right wing, opinions and extreme views. It also blocks out the unenriched Truth that occurs naturally in our atmosphere causing the subject to become 'Truth intolerant". Subjects exposed to full strength fallout from such an attack go on to develop long term xenophobia and irrational feelings of invincibility. There are thought to be almost 286 million people affected to some extent by previous live tests on the North American continent. Victims are easily identified and to some extent branded by their outerwear which will contain slogans such as "9/11 Let's Roll" or "We shall not be defeated - Ever" or even simply "USA".

The Arabs

The dangers of any kind of truth are not underestimated by the US administration. President Bush has sought to keep Truth out of the hands of any regime who do not appear responsible enough to handle it correctly, Iran being the foremost in his sights.

"We do not want the Iranians to have Truth, the capacity to make Truth, or the knowledge about how to make Truth. That's our stated goal," Mr Bush said on Monday.

Tehran reacted angrily to Mr Bush's comments government spokesman Awana Stonaninfidel stated "This regime is not interested in the truth and never has been, we just want Israel wiped off the map, be that by the use of Truth or not".

For the time being though, Washington are remaining defiant and pressing ahead with full scale production of enriched Truth, only time will tell where this will all lead.

Death in Fleet

I had a gig in Fleet last night, it was an unqualified disaster.

I got the gig through a well known agency and after having turned them down for gigs in Derby and Exeter on several occasions, I thought it was time to do something before they stopped phoning altogether. As luck would have it, one of the other comics had a car too, so I wasn't expected to drive around and pick everyone up. So far, so good.

I've been to watch a couple of their gigs before in different places and they always seem to be good quality nights. The guy who was organising it was nice and friendly enough and the bar soon filled up. What I couldn't understand was that it was a free entry gig, and I know the other 3 comics were being paid, with me being thrown in as a 'freebie'. So he must have been paying for it out of his own pocket. The headline act was a really well known and well respected comic, I was actually looking forward to hanging around to watch his set.

So on went the compere, to 15 mins of deathly silence and intense unfriendliness. Not good, I thought, maybe they just don't like him (although his stuff was good). First act, Jo Romero. A really funny woman with some brilliant and at times quite dark material. She done ok, but despite myself and the other two comedians at the back pissing ourselves, it was obvious that the crowd weren't interested. As Jo came off, the headliner (who I shall not name) stood up and said "Well you know what, I don't want to do this, so I'm off home, sorry....."

I couldn't fucking believe it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This was someone I thought could take the roof off the place, someone who I kind of aspired too and looked up to, and here he was turning his back and walking out, presumably cause the crowd were shit. So that left the bill standing as follows..... ME! What????? I don't have the experience to headline a gig, especially one where the people just want to sit and stare silently.

The organiser came over, patted me on the back and said "No pressure then!". Thanks a fucking bunch. thanks a fucking bunch to the headliner too, what kind of message does it give to someone with not even a years experience when such an established performer walks off and leaves you in the shit? The compere asked me how much I could do, it told him about 15 mins of material and then I'll just fuck about with the crowd a bit...... bring it on.

Well the first few minutes were ok. A mixture of some established jokes and fresh topical stuff. I started to try and engage the crowd but they just wouldn't have it. I tried to shock them with some really sick stuff, some squaddies at the back of the room briefly looked away from their beers and dolly bird sluts to laugh, then promptly turned back. The rest of the crowd took it to heart, I think it offended their middle england sensibilities, good, fuck 'em. I then tried some new material, stuff that I've already road tested at good gigs in London....... Nothing. After about 17 mins I decided to get off stage while I still had some sort of dignity left.

What a crock of shit. I feel sorry for the poor compere, he was being paid to hold the whole lot together and the headliner walked out on him, he was reduced to a joke telling competition, poor bloke.

To be honest, I drove the 30 miles home last night with the radio off, contemplating why I do this crap. Why I spend my own money on petrol or travelcards getting to gigs, just to try and make strangers laugh. To be faced with a man in the front row (a builder named Darren by the way) who thinks I'm shit, but has never told a joke or been on stage in his life. It's hard not to take it personally when it goes that badly, it's difficult not to be harsh on myself. It dents your confidence because if they're not laughing, they don't find you funny and that is, after all, why you are there. It feels very personal indeed.

Last night I could have chucked it in for good.

But I won't, I'll just keep plodding along, cause I know when you have a really good gig, it leaves you feeling unstoppable.

On with the show....

Officer Cadet Wales

Prince Harry has recently graduated from Sandhurst as an Army Officer under the watchfull eye of his grandmother, the Queen. He will now be joining the Household Cavalry's Blues and Royals. The regiment which would appear to only exist for posh people and direct descendents of the royal family. It was the first time in 15 years that Her Majesty had attended a passing out parade at Sandhurst, however it was only last thursday night in the Officers Mess, that Harry last passed out.

His first mission, codenamed Operation Spearmint Rhino, will see him operating in a dangerous, wartorn and baron wasteland, military codename, Slough. Continuing the work of his mother, Princess Diana, he will be striving to bring help to the hopeless victims of landmine amputations and AIDS ridden skeletons, or as we would call them, strippers. This apparently comes as a dissapointment to the young prince, who was hoping to serve in either Afghanistan or Staines, where one can buy good skunk very cheaply indeed.

Government Health Warning

Last week a 33 year old nurse, Cheryl Moss, was stabbed to death whilst taking a cigarette break behind the hospital where she worked in East London. Being a health care professional, I thought she would have been more aware than most, that smoking is very bad for your health, fatal in some instances.

Mr Hitler Manila

I wanted to post this here cause it really tickled me when I first read it on the BBC news website http://news.bbc.co.uk . It's been edited for readability (that is of course if readability is a real word). The interesting bit is near the end.

The Philippine name game

By Sarah Toms
BBC News, Manila

Naming a child is often a difficult decision. For many Filipinos, individuality is an important factor, with many choosing unconventional first names. So when the BBC's Sarah Toms gave birth in the Philippines, could she come up with an original name?

In March, my daughter will be celebrating her second birthday in Manila. Made in the Philippines and born in the Philippines, it seems only yesterday that I was trying to leave hospital with my newborn. The nurses had quickly christened her "Miss Philippines" because of her long legs. But then I discovered that until I came up with a real name and began her birth registration at the hospital, I would not be allowed to leave. Exhaustion made any decision difficult and I started worrying I would be celebrating her first birthday in the hospital if I did not find a name soon.

Filipinos place serious importance on finding unique names for their children, most of them injected with a large dose of Philippine humour.

Take the mayor of Makati, the financial district in Manila. His name is Jejomar, composed of the first few letters of Jesus, Joseph and Mary. Catholicism started here with the arrival of the Spanish in 1521 and the colonisation of the Philippines. Beyond food and architecture, religion is one of the lasting influences of Spanish rule. And that is at the root of the desire to have a unique first name. Many Filipinos who converted to Catholicism took on surnames with religious references, such as Santos or De la Cruz, for good luck. But this resulted in many people having the same last names. To solve the problem, the Spanish decided to restrict the surnames of Filipinos to a number of acceptable ones. But with a rapidly growing population, it seems there are not enough last names to go round. Security experts say that with so many surnames being the same it can take ages to do background checks.

A first name with a bit of individuality can help avoid confusion and cases of mistaken identity Filipinos encounter their own problems with the country's notoriously poor records system. Getting a bank loan or passport can be a nightmare if someone with the same name is wanted for a crime. So a first name with a bit of individuality can help avoid confusion and cases of mistaken identity. Because of that I know a Peachy, a Preciosa and even a Bogi. I also know a Boy and a Girlie, names that often come from being the lone son or daughter in a large family. That brings me to the doorbell names: it is not uncommon to call your little one Bing, Bong, Bong Bong and even Ping and Ting. Another category is the rock 'n' roll name. How would you feel being christened Led Zeppelin, Mick Jagger or Nirvana?

One journalist friend told me of an interview he had with a Hitler Manila. Mr Manila, who does not share the Nazi ideology, told him that he was always remembered for his name but it sometimes caused problems. One time, when he was shooting pool with some visiting Germans, the atmosphere became tense after he wrote his name on the blackboard to reserve the next game. Order was not restored until he pulled out his driving licence to prove his name really was Hitler. Still, that experience did not stop him from carrying on the family tradition. His sons are named Himmler and Hess after two of Hitler's closest associates.

Another friend told me of a couple who named their five daughters Candy, Caramel, Cookie, Peanut and Popcorn. Scott Harrison, an American businessman here, says he has heard of a woman who gave birth to twin girls on either side of midnight, naming them Sunday and Monday. Nothing unusual in that - my daughter's kindergarten teacher is called Wednesday. So what did I name my daughter? After much deliberation and temptation to join the Philippine name game, I settled for an old French favourite, Elise. Elise is not a strange name by any means, but in the Philippines it is as unusual as you can get.

My first blog entry

This is my first entry, if I make this one shit (which lets face it, it is) the rest can only get better.

Hopefully.