My friend said something excrementally stupid yet monumentally funny the other day. We were casually chatting about terrorism, as you do, when he said "Yeah what about that Spanish terrorist group.... FETA!". Well I nearly fetched myself a stool, so I could have the pleasure of falling off it. I haven't laughed so much in ages.
"FETA, fucking FETA.... I screamed. It's ETA, you cunt!"
But it did amuse me considerably. The thought of a terrorist organisation funded entirely from the sale of soft watery cheese! How bad would everyone feel if they suddenly realised that their lovely summer salads were supporting the Basque seperatist group in there continuing war against the Spanish government for independence.
Maybe my friend had something with his little slip of the tongue I mean, FETA, ETA, not too far removed from each other are they? Both from the Med too! The Bastards, I haven't been able to look at cheese the same way since, just incase it's providing bombs for Al Qaecheddar.
That was the best (worst) pun I could conjure up at short notice. Please feel free to leave any cheese-terrorism related puns in the comments section if you can do better (worse).
Yours,
Osama Bin Edam.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Friday, September 22, 2006
Richard Hammond
The popular television presenter Richard Hammond has been involved in a near fatal accident whilst driving a jet powered car.
In the same vain as Steve Irwin, Hammond is a popular and likeable man with a family and thus tributes have been flooding in to the BBC for him. I like Richard Hammond, he's a congenial and affable character. I have watched and enjoyed most of the different programs he has hosted. He has the rare ability to laugh at and belittle himself for the audiences enjoyment.
However.
Let's not lose sight of what he was up to at the time.... driving a jet powered car....at 300 mph.
Jet engines are not designed for use in cars. The one in question being designed for use in a 1950's light attack aircraft. Car's are not generally designed for use with jet engines, being predominantly ground dwelling vehicles. Richard Hammond (and I'm assuming here most other humans) was not designed to stop suddenly at 300mph.
There are the facts. Whilst I have the utmost sympathy for the man and his family, it doesn't take a fucking genius to work out that it was...shall we say...a bit silly to be there in the first place.
As with Steve Irwin, who by the way I liked a lot, Hammond was out of his realm. If a Stingray was wandering into Irwin's his garden, he'd have been more than justified to kill it, especially if it was interfering with his barbecue or his kids swing. He strayed into the Stingray's realm, probably poked it with a stick, and well, the rest is history. Hammond was in a realm in which his vehicle should have been fitted with wings and a means of flight control, and, well....we'll see.
I hope he lives, then he can do it again, live on TV this time.
In the same vain as Steve Irwin, Hammond is a popular and likeable man with a family and thus tributes have been flooding in to the BBC for him. I like Richard Hammond, he's a congenial and affable character. I have watched and enjoyed most of the different programs he has hosted. He has the rare ability to laugh at and belittle himself for the audiences enjoyment.
However.
Let's not lose sight of what he was up to at the time.... driving a jet powered car....at 300 mph.
Jet engines are not designed for use in cars. The one in question being designed for use in a 1950's light attack aircraft. Car's are not generally designed for use with jet engines, being predominantly ground dwelling vehicles. Richard Hammond (and I'm assuming here most other humans) was not designed to stop suddenly at 300mph.
There are the facts. Whilst I have the utmost sympathy for the man and his family, it doesn't take a fucking genius to work out that it was...shall we say...a bit silly to be there in the first place.
As with Steve Irwin, who by the way I liked a lot, Hammond was out of his realm. If a Stingray was wandering into Irwin's his garden, he'd have been more than justified to kill it, especially if it was interfering with his barbecue or his kids swing. He strayed into the Stingray's realm, probably poked it with a stick, and well, the rest is history. Hammond was in a realm in which his vehicle should have been fitted with wings and a means of flight control, and, well....we'll see.
I hope he lives, then he can do it again, live on TV this time.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Biofuel Bollocks
Biofuels! The answer to all the worlds ills? I think not.
Now don't get me wrong, there is a lot of research into Biofuels at the minute. A lot of good research too. I'm all for that idea that we can grow crops, make breakfast cereal out of one bit, ferment the other bits into alcohol so I can get pissed cheaper and then with the remainder of what's left make a biofuel. A fuel that sucks carbon out of the air as it grows and then when it burns in a car engine, only gives out the same amount of Carbon Dioxide. Thus being "Carbon Neutral".
Great idea I think, as long as I can run my car cheaper.
Unfortunately everyone suddenly thinks this is the answer to all the worlds growing climate problems. So as a result, some bleeding-heart, cous cous eating, hemp sandal wearing, tree shagging wankers think that because we have this small technological breakthrough......... lets punish anyone who doesn't use it!
Who shall we punish?????? AIRLINES!!!! Yes that's right those massive businesses who have such a strong and stable foothold on the world economy? No, the one industry who have been through hell in the last 5 years, shed millions of jobs and are barely surviving. Let's punish them!
All these hole dwelling, protesting Greenpeace arseholes are under the impression that it'd be great to tax airlines out of the air. Well get in line sweethearts, my old mate Mr Al Qaeda is already hell bent on frightening the shit out of everyone who steps on a plane. The last thing air travelers need is a brainless twat trying to force the airlines to run jet engines on Olive oil, or tax people for the pleasure of using oil derivative fuel.
The world economy has driven the need and demand for air transport. Without a question of a doubt air transport, whether it be cargo shipments or SLF (Self Loading Freight, work it out for yourself) the world economy relies on my industry to survive. Countries which haven't before had a pot to piss in have seen a step change in their economies with the advent of cheap air travel for tourism and import/export of goods.
I can't see what good pricing airlines and passengers out of the air will have for the environment. Yes we will have slightly better chances of reversing the onslaught of climate change, but at the same time people will simply pay more money for the privilege, economies will suffer and more and more people will be out of jobs.
Was climate change known about at the time of the industrial revolution? Imagine if you will that industry leaders of the day were approached by a 'Government Think Tank' crewed with a bunch of Organic Rice Cake eating University Post Grads and suggested that their interests were harming our beautiful Earth and maybe they should consider some less polluting alternatives alternatives to Coal. I'd like to think that they'd be taken outside and given a jolly good thrashing to within an inch of their worthless lives, just to teach them a lesson.
I think things should be the same today. All the fuckwits who are eager to appear on Newsnight blathering on about the benefits of fueling aircraft with 'Biofuel alternatives' should be sent skyward in a 747, over the mid Atlantic, full of Vegetable Oil, to learn a stark lesson in the freezing points of liquids. Namely that, at minus 56 degrees centigrade, most things other than jet fuel (including self righteous politicians) will FREEZE, rendering them useless (self righteous politicians become useless at anything nearing room temperature).
I guess what I'm saying is that there is a good reason that aircraft with jet engines need to use this type of Oil derivative fuel. Contrary to popular opinion there is not a department in each airline trying to work out how to best pollute the planet. I suggest that if the people who are so concerned with pollution want to do something proactive about it,stop trying to intercept Oil tankers by blockading them with 13ft rubber dinghies, disembark from 'The Rainbow Warrior' and go to Uni, get yourself a real and worthwhile degree, say in Physics or Mechanical Engineering and solve some problems.
Lets line these dissenters up against a wall and shoot them in cold blood. That will significantly reduce the amount of Carbon Dioxide emissions they produce whilst spouting politically correct shite. Need any volunteers for the firing squad, I'm your man. I'll work overtime too, without pay!
Pricks!
Now don't get me wrong, there is a lot of research into Biofuels at the minute. A lot of good research too. I'm all for that idea that we can grow crops, make breakfast cereal out of one bit, ferment the other bits into alcohol so I can get pissed cheaper and then with the remainder of what's left make a biofuel. A fuel that sucks carbon out of the air as it grows and then when it burns in a car engine, only gives out the same amount of Carbon Dioxide. Thus being "Carbon Neutral".
Great idea I think, as long as I can run my car cheaper.
Unfortunately everyone suddenly thinks this is the answer to all the worlds growing climate problems. So as a result, some bleeding-heart, cous cous eating, hemp sandal wearing, tree shagging wankers think that because we have this small technological breakthrough......... lets punish anyone who doesn't use it!
Who shall we punish?????? AIRLINES!!!! Yes that's right those massive businesses who have such a strong and stable foothold on the world economy? No, the one industry who have been through hell in the last 5 years, shed millions of jobs and are barely surviving. Let's punish them!
All these hole dwelling, protesting Greenpeace arseholes are under the impression that it'd be great to tax airlines out of the air. Well get in line sweethearts, my old mate Mr Al Qaeda is already hell bent on frightening the shit out of everyone who steps on a plane. The last thing air travelers need is a brainless twat trying to force the airlines to run jet engines on Olive oil, or tax people for the pleasure of using oil derivative fuel.
The world economy has driven the need and demand for air transport. Without a question of a doubt air transport, whether it be cargo shipments or SLF (Self Loading Freight, work it out for yourself) the world economy relies on my industry to survive. Countries which haven't before had a pot to piss in have seen a step change in their economies with the advent of cheap air travel for tourism and import/export of goods.
I can't see what good pricing airlines and passengers out of the air will have for the environment. Yes we will have slightly better chances of reversing the onslaught of climate change, but at the same time people will simply pay more money for the privilege, economies will suffer and more and more people will be out of jobs.
Was climate change known about at the time of the industrial revolution? Imagine if you will that industry leaders of the day were approached by a 'Government Think Tank' crewed with a bunch of Organic Rice Cake eating University Post Grads and suggested that their interests were harming our beautiful Earth and maybe they should consider some less polluting alternatives alternatives to Coal. I'd like to think that they'd be taken outside and given a jolly good thrashing to within an inch of their worthless lives, just to teach them a lesson.
I think things should be the same today. All the fuckwits who are eager to appear on Newsnight blathering on about the benefits of fueling aircraft with 'Biofuel alternatives' should be sent skyward in a 747, over the mid Atlantic, full of Vegetable Oil, to learn a stark lesson in the freezing points of liquids. Namely that, at minus 56 degrees centigrade, most things other than jet fuel (including self righteous politicians) will FREEZE, rendering them useless (self righteous politicians become useless at anything nearing room temperature).
I guess what I'm saying is that there is a good reason that aircraft with jet engines need to use this type of Oil derivative fuel. Contrary to popular opinion there is not a department in each airline trying to work out how to best pollute the planet. I suggest that if the people who are so concerned with pollution want to do something proactive about it,stop trying to intercept Oil tankers by blockading them with 13ft rubber dinghies, disembark from 'The Rainbow Warrior' and go to Uni, get yourself a real and worthwhile degree, say in Physics or Mechanical Engineering and solve some problems.
Lets line these dissenters up against a wall and shoot them in cold blood. That will significantly reduce the amount of Carbon Dioxide emissions they produce whilst spouting politically correct shite. Need any volunteers for the firing squad, I'm your man. I'll work overtime too, without pay!
Pricks!
Blogging
I've been fucking lazy! Unbelievably fucking lazy. I've not blogged for a long long time, so long I nearly forgot the password. Why?
Well I don't quite know. I suppose there have been several reasons. I was on a project at work for about 3 months. It took a lot out of me, even though everyone else thinks it was a scam. It's not worth explaining fully unless anyone reading this understands the intricate nature of migrating Airworthiness data from a 30 year old computer system to a 3 year old one. Shit, I'm even boring myself with just outlining it!
After the project I went back to "normal" work for about 2 or 3 days. My senior manager then asked me if I'd like to go off and do something different, off the back of what I'd achieved on the project. It sounded like good career development and a bit of an easy ride for 6 months. Oh how wrong I could be! It's fucking mental! A pretty thankless job, ultra high workload, little if any respect and it's bloody draining!
I suppose all of this has led me to feeling less 'funny' about things. I haven't lost my sense of humour, I hope. But I can't feel as flippant and surreal about life as I used to. I started this blog as a sideline to performing comedy. Hoping it would self-generate ideas and material. It did for a while, but I suppose as the life was knocked out of me and I started feeling less funny, I didn't want to just log on and moan about how shit I felt.
Anyway, I was driving home after my third nightshift the other morning, listening to Radio 4, a station for boring people, fishermen, farmers, old people and information junkies. There's lots of info on R4, lots of really meaty stuff. Gardeners World, Farming today, The Shipping forecast and prayer for the day. Anyway, I was listening to an interview with an exceptionally boring man who ran a political Blog. This wanker was getting 10-20,000 hits a day on his site. What a cunt! At future projections it'll take me 16 years to get 10,000 hits! Asked what was his secret of blogging, he said, it's simple, you have to blog every day! No matter how you feel. Whether you have something worthwhile to say or not. This forces you to talk (type) about something different ever day. Keepin' it fresh, keepin' it real, hangin' with the homies, talkin' like a bell-end!
You know what, he's right! He's fucking boring and he gets nearly twenty thousand hits a day! My life is fairly boring and what do I get, bored and even more boring! So funny or not, boring or not. I'm gonna write more. Blog more. Even if I think it's rubbish. That's the key to a blog, it's a log, of stuff about my life, boring or interesting, sad or funny.
I should and I will do more. I owe it to myself, my life owes it to me and the internet deserves to be poisoned by my shit!
Cheers muckers!
Well I don't quite know. I suppose there have been several reasons. I was on a project at work for about 3 months. It took a lot out of me, even though everyone else thinks it was a scam. It's not worth explaining fully unless anyone reading this understands the intricate nature of migrating Airworthiness data from a 30 year old computer system to a 3 year old one. Shit, I'm even boring myself with just outlining it!
After the project I went back to "normal" work for about 2 or 3 days. My senior manager then asked me if I'd like to go off and do something different, off the back of what I'd achieved on the project. It sounded like good career development and a bit of an easy ride for 6 months. Oh how wrong I could be! It's fucking mental! A pretty thankless job, ultra high workload, little if any respect and it's bloody draining!
I suppose all of this has led me to feeling less 'funny' about things. I haven't lost my sense of humour, I hope. But I can't feel as flippant and surreal about life as I used to. I started this blog as a sideline to performing comedy. Hoping it would self-generate ideas and material. It did for a while, but I suppose as the life was knocked out of me and I started feeling less funny, I didn't want to just log on and moan about how shit I felt.
Anyway, I was driving home after my third nightshift the other morning, listening to Radio 4, a station for boring people, fishermen, farmers, old people and information junkies. There's lots of info on R4, lots of really meaty stuff. Gardeners World, Farming today, The Shipping forecast and prayer for the day. Anyway, I was listening to an interview with an exceptionally boring man who ran a political Blog. This wanker was getting 10-20,000 hits a day on his site. What a cunt! At future projections it'll take me 16 years to get 10,000 hits! Asked what was his secret of blogging, he said, it's simple, you have to blog every day! No matter how you feel. Whether you have something worthwhile to say or not. This forces you to talk (type) about something different ever day. Keepin' it fresh, keepin' it real, hangin' with the homies, talkin' like a bell-end!
You know what, he's right! He's fucking boring and he gets nearly twenty thousand hits a day! My life is fairly boring and what do I get, bored and even more boring! So funny or not, boring or not. I'm gonna write more. Blog more. Even if I think it's rubbish. That's the key to a blog, it's a log, of stuff about my life, boring or interesting, sad or funny.
I should and I will do more. I owe it to myself, my life owes it to me and the internet deserves to be poisoned by my shit!
Cheers muckers!
Friday, July 21, 2006
The British Crime Survey
The British Crime Survey was published yesterday. Amongst the reasonably small drops in some crimes, robbery overall was up by 8% and depending on where you live in the UK, you may see up to a 28% increase. So what can the government conclude from this?
Can they conclude that even though they have put more police officers on the streets, those officers are so bogged down with paperwork and statistics that they can't effectively do their job? (My friend is a police officer, he booked someone for being drunk and disorderly recently, it took him 2 and a half hours to do the paperwork).
Can they conclude that society doesn't see the the criminal justice system as a big enough deterrent? I don't have to give any examples for this one, we all read the papers and see the news and have all heard stories of offenders with 30 previous convictions getting off scot-free cause they're "a recovering drug addict and need support not incarceration".
Can they conclude that crime statistics have increased since every hoodlum from Eastern Europe to deepest darkest Central Africa realised our borders are as secure as a toilet paper gazebo in a force 9 gale (never actually seen a toilet paper gazebo, but I'm imagining it'd be quite flimsy) and flock here, unchecked in their thousands, sorry, hundreds of thousands to claim asylum and....mysteriously.....disappear? (Probably washing cars with our precious water the fuckers).
No, don't be silly, none of the above. They know exactly whose fault it is. The victims fault! Yes you inconsiderate, crime generating bastards, it's your fault! Walking around with your fancy MP3 players and expensive mobile phones. You disgust me. I bet most of you victims have worked hard for those things, saved money, paid your taxes etc, and generally kept your heads down.
Then what do you go and do? Yes, walk around when it's dark (or bright) using the things they've bought (or just carrying them in a concealed place) asking, nay practically begging scum sucking vermin criminal sub human junkies to rob them.
You victims should be ashamed of yourselves. Criminals are the real victims if you ask me. They probably don't want to rob you, but you force them to! By keeping yourself to yourself and having nice things. Then they go to jail, when (if) they're caught. Where they will be subject to harsh punishment, and three good meals a day, and heating, for free. Whilst pensioners starve to death on their own, with hypothermia.
Fucking victims, put them in jail I say.
Can they conclude that even though they have put more police officers on the streets, those officers are so bogged down with paperwork and statistics that they can't effectively do their job? (My friend is a police officer, he booked someone for being drunk and disorderly recently, it took him 2 and a half hours to do the paperwork).
Can they conclude that society doesn't see the the criminal justice system as a big enough deterrent? I don't have to give any examples for this one, we all read the papers and see the news and have all heard stories of offenders with 30 previous convictions getting off scot-free cause they're "a recovering drug addict and need support not incarceration".
Can they conclude that crime statistics have increased since every hoodlum from Eastern Europe to deepest darkest Central Africa realised our borders are as secure as a toilet paper gazebo in a force 9 gale (never actually seen a toilet paper gazebo, but I'm imagining it'd be quite flimsy) and flock here, unchecked in their thousands, sorry, hundreds of thousands to claim asylum and....mysteriously.....disappear? (Probably washing cars with our precious water the fuckers).
No, don't be silly, none of the above. They know exactly whose fault it is. The victims fault! Yes you inconsiderate, crime generating bastards, it's your fault! Walking around with your fancy MP3 players and expensive mobile phones. You disgust me. I bet most of you victims have worked hard for those things, saved money, paid your taxes etc, and generally kept your heads down.
Then what do you go and do? Yes, walk around when it's dark (or bright) using the things they've bought (or just carrying them in a concealed place) asking, nay practically begging scum sucking vermin criminal sub human junkies to rob them.
You victims should be ashamed of yourselves. Criminals are the real victims if you ask me. They probably don't want to rob you, but you force them to! By keeping yourself to yourself and having nice things. Then they go to jail, when (if) they're caught. Where they will be subject to harsh punishment, and three good meals a day, and heating, for free. Whilst pensioners starve to death on their own, with hypothermia.
Fucking victims, put them in jail I say.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Three Weddings and MY Funeral
The last three weekends have passed in a blur of alcohol and confetti. I've been to three weddings in three countries. England, then Scotland and finally Ireland. The weddings were all very good in themselves, polite affairs, no fighting or cake throwing like a commoners wedding. I even managed to keep my tongue long enough for only a very few people to fall out with me (unfortunately one of the quips was about the best man fucking the groom's sister (which didn't go down to well with the grooms brother (but he led me straight into that one (and I'd have been kicking myself not to take a wonderfull opportunity like that(I'm weak you know(too many parenthesis now)))))).
Anyway I'm well and truly fucked now. Weddings basically consist of three main ingredients: Alcohol, Food and MONEY! This is how it works
- Spend money on a new outfit (I have my own kilt so I just spend money on my girlfriends outfit.
- Spend money on a gift
- Spend lots of money getting there, taxi's, plane tickets, petrol, car parking etc
- spend money staying in a hotel or similar establishment
- Drink lots
- Eat too much until you feel sick
- Drink more until you can't stand up but your the worlds greatest dancer
- Eat more
- Keep drinking until you think your Billy Connoly and your the funniest person alive, taking great pains to let everyone know this
- Eat until your sick
- AH HA! Now you've been sick, there's more room for Drink
- Die of alcohol poisoning
- Wake up and realise how much money you've spent
Now that's a pretty standard British wedding to be honest. But multiply that by three. I'm broke and my liver is fucked. Some may say that's my own fault and I just shouldn't drink, to that person I would remove a figurative hand glove and slap them across the face with it! I enjoyed all three weddings thoroughly but I haven't enjoyed the recovery process too much and also I can't afford to eat for a month.
At the last wedding I went back to my B&B just after midnight. For that I have been continually and mercilessly berated at the hands of those who I usually torture with insults leveled at their drinking ability. Among my friends I'm usually the one begging the barman for another just before closing time or the one who just wants to keep going when all around are floundering. What was wrong with me? I was fucked that was what was wrong, I had wedding fatigue and it was very nearly fatal. Maybe I'm just getting old.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Now India Arie is at it too!
I don't believe that after only one day I am FORCED out of sheer exasperation to write another post on a similar topic.
India Arie (some weird singer-bint) has released a song called 'I am not my hair'!
What the fuck are these people going on about? Listen India, love, I'm not my toenails, but you don't you don't see me screaming about it do you? No I just get on with it!
India says:
Does the way I wear my hair make me a better person
Does the way I wear my hair make me a better friend
Does the way I wear my hair determine my integrity
Expressing my creativity
No but if you have a shit haircut everyone will think your an arsehole, no matter what's inside. And that's just me 'being real' with you, word dog!
Anyway what's with people calling their children India? It's seen to be 'cool' and a bit spiritual and stuff. What with the mysticism of the Himalayas and the ancient techings of Hindu gods etc etc. However coupled with the facts that it's also a developing country with massive overpopulation, environmental degradation, extensive poverty, and ethnic and religious strife, and an ongoing border dispute with Pakistan over the Kashmir region, I think it's a pretty fucking inconsiderate name for a child. Infact why don't you just call your child "your shit, you smell, you can't afford to eat and your neighbour doesn't like you" and be done with it?
Fucking stuck up poncy arseholes, and their pretentious kids and their pretentious music, get's right up my nose!!!!!!
Rant over......for now.
India Arie (some weird singer-bint) has released a song called 'I am not my hair'!
What the fuck are these people going on about? Listen India, love, I'm not my toenails, but you don't you don't see me screaming about it do you? No I just get on with it!
India says:
Does the way I wear my hair make me a better person
Does the way I wear my hair make me a better friend
Does the way I wear my hair determine my integrity
Expressing my creativity
No but if you have a shit haircut everyone will think your an arsehole, no matter what's inside. And that's just me 'being real' with you, word dog!
Anyway what's with people calling their children India? It's seen to be 'cool' and a bit spiritual and stuff. What with the mysticism of the Himalayas and the ancient techings of Hindu gods etc etc. However coupled with the facts that it's also a developing country with massive overpopulation, environmental degradation, extensive poverty, and ethnic and religious strife, and an ongoing border dispute with Pakistan over the Kashmir region, I think it's a pretty fucking inconsiderate name for a child. Infact why don't you just call your child "your shit, you smell, you can't afford to eat and your neighbour doesn't like you" and be done with it?
Fucking stuck up poncy arseholes, and their pretentious kids and their pretentious music, get's right up my nose!!!!!!
Rant over......for now.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Shakira is an EVIL Colombian drugs Baroness
Now I wouldn't usually lead off with such an alarming and sensationalist title, however on this occasion I feel I'm justified.
You see Latino-chocolate-skinned-pop-princess Shakira has just recently released a track entitled ‘My Hips Don't Lie'. Quite an innocent and jolly little summertime ditty I think you'll agree. But underneath the jovial Latin guitar strings and the clacking of over active maracas there lies the deep and disturbing message of an international drugs cartel.
The basic premise of the song is Shakira trying to convince the listener and co-singer Wyclef Jean that her hips ‘don’t lie’.
I can only imagine from this that Shakira believes she has talking hips! Not only do they talk to her, but she has such an unshakeable belief in their integrity that she actively defends their every word with an increasingly shrill tone. A woman who thinks her hips are talking? Now I’ve seen some crazy things whilst growing up in this fair land. I’ve seen pissed people on the streets of Glasgow at 7 o’clock in the morning, licking dogs piss off lampposts and talking to their best (but invisible) friend Jesus. I’ve seen a man on the London Underground with no face or hands, begging for £2 coins whilst apologizing to children for giving them nightmares. But I have never, ever seen a woman talking to her hips!
Let’s examine the lyrics:
Oh boy, I can see your body moving
Half animal, half man
I don't, don't really know what I'm doing
But you seem to have a plan
My will and self restraint
Have come to fail now, fail now
See, I am doing what I can, but I can't so you know
That's a bit too hard to explain
Oh boy, she’s fucked! These are the lyrics of someone so off their face on crack cocaine that she thinks she’s looking at a half animal-man beast perhaps a Greek mythological Centaur, half man half horse and we all know the Spanish LOVE their dancing horses! Then she states that she doesn’t really know what she’s doing and that she has no self restraint, no shit girl, I’m not surprised, you’ve put so much of colombia’s finest up your nose that your hips are talking and Wyclef Jean has mutated into a four legged horse-rapper!
Wyclef replies:
Señorita, feel the conga, let me see you move like you come from Colombia
Oh I don’t think Shakira needs to dance to show that she’s from Colombia. The mere fact that she’s lying in the toilet with a crack pipe in her hand and blood running down her nose, whilst having a full blown conversation with her lower torso should prove without a doubt that she’s Colombian alright.
Yeah
She's so sexy every man's fantasy a refugee like me back with the Fugees from a 3rd world country
I go back like when 'pac carried crates for Humpty Humpty
I need a whole club dizzy
Why the CIA wanna watch us? [Shakira/Wyclef Jean]
Colombians and Haitians
I ain't guilty, it's a musical transaction
No more do we snatch ropes
Refugees run the seas 'cause we own our own boats
Now she’s a refugee from a third world country and Wyclef is talking about Tupac carrying crates for Humpty Dumpty, a popular children's nursery rhyme character who was infact a large egg! It seems to me that Wy and Shak have come together, not only to make music but also to invent a type of drug so strong that, Shakira should be running a website called www.ask-shakira’s-hips.com and Wyclef can see a dead rapper carrying crates (of drugs presumably) for a large Egg-man siting on a wall. What’s worse, they’ve managed to buy their own boats, which means their obviously going to traffik this new ultra hallucinogenic crap around the world illegally.
The bastards!!!! It’s time to rise up and stop this onslaught. These people aren’t just happy with peddling this muck to our children (figuratively speaking cause I’ve not got kids) but they’re also selling records about it in a seemingly ‘harmless’ way! THEY’RE TAKEING US FOR MUGS PEOPLE! PLANTING THE SEEDS OF ADDICTION IN OUR MINDS!!!!!!
It’s time to stop these evil bastards plying their filthy trade!
Unfortunately I’m busy and haven’t got the time for the next few weeks, but hopefully this will inspire someone else to do it on my behalf. Let me know how you get on.
You see Latino-chocolate-skinned-pop-princess Shakira has just recently released a track entitled ‘My Hips Don't Lie'. Quite an innocent and jolly little summertime ditty I think you'll agree. But underneath the jovial Latin guitar strings and the clacking of over active maracas there lies the deep and disturbing message of an international drugs cartel.
The basic premise of the song is Shakira trying to convince the listener and co-singer Wyclef Jean that her hips ‘don’t lie’.
I can only imagine from this that Shakira believes she has talking hips! Not only do they talk to her, but she has such an unshakeable belief in their integrity that she actively defends their every word with an increasingly shrill tone. A woman who thinks her hips are talking? Now I’ve seen some crazy things whilst growing up in this fair land. I’ve seen pissed people on the streets of Glasgow at 7 o’clock in the morning, licking dogs piss off lampposts and talking to their best (but invisible) friend Jesus. I’ve seen a man on the London Underground with no face or hands, begging for £2 coins whilst apologizing to children for giving them nightmares. But I have never, ever seen a woman talking to her hips!
Let’s examine the lyrics:
Oh boy, I can see your body moving
Half animal, half man
I don't, don't really know what I'm doing
But you seem to have a plan
My will and self restraint
Have come to fail now, fail now
See, I am doing what I can, but I can't so you know
That's a bit too hard to explain
Oh boy, she’s fucked! These are the lyrics of someone so off their face on crack cocaine that she thinks she’s looking at a half animal-man beast perhaps a Greek mythological Centaur, half man half horse and we all know the Spanish LOVE their dancing horses! Then she states that she doesn’t really know what she’s doing and that she has no self restraint, no shit girl, I’m not surprised, you’ve put so much of colombia’s finest up your nose that your hips are talking and Wyclef Jean has mutated into a four legged horse-rapper!
Wyclef replies:
Señorita, feel the conga, let me see you move like you come from Colombia
Oh I don’t think Shakira needs to dance to show that she’s from Colombia. The mere fact that she’s lying in the toilet with a crack pipe in her hand and blood running down her nose, whilst having a full blown conversation with her lower torso should prove without a doubt that she’s Colombian alright.
Yeah
She's so sexy every man's fantasy a refugee like me back with the Fugees from a 3rd world country
I go back like when 'pac carried crates for Humpty Humpty
I need a whole club dizzy
Why the CIA wanna watch us? [Shakira/Wyclef Jean]
Colombians and Haitians
I ain't guilty, it's a musical transaction
No more do we snatch ropes
Refugees run the seas 'cause we own our own boats
Now she’s a refugee from a third world country and Wyclef is talking about Tupac carrying crates for Humpty Dumpty, a popular children's nursery rhyme character who was infact a large egg! It seems to me that Wy and Shak have come together, not only to make music but also to invent a type of drug so strong that, Shakira should be running a website called www.ask-shakira’s-hips.com and Wyclef can see a dead rapper carrying crates (of drugs presumably) for a large Egg-man siting on a wall. What’s worse, they’ve managed to buy their own boats, which means their obviously going to traffik this new ultra hallucinogenic crap around the world illegally.
The bastards!!!! It’s time to rise up and stop this onslaught. These people aren’t just happy with peddling this muck to our children (figuratively speaking cause I’ve not got kids) but they’re also selling records about it in a seemingly ‘harmless’ way! THEY’RE TAKEING US FOR MUGS PEOPLE! PLANTING THE SEEDS OF ADDICTION IN OUR MINDS!!!!!!
It’s time to stop these evil bastards plying their filthy trade!
Unfortunately I’m busy and haven’t got the time for the next few weeks, but hopefully this will inspire someone else to do it on my behalf. Let me know how you get on.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
The Timewaster Letters
I have just finished reading a funny book. It’s called The Timewaster Letters. It’s by a guy who calls himself Robin Cooper (real name Robert Popper). He has searched out some most bizarre and mundane societies and organisations ,among other people, to write some very silly letters to and documented the replies (if any). Some of the letters are downright stupid and some hold fantastical misunderstandings of the organisation's purpose. One thing they have in common though, is that whether they received a reply or not, they’re all very funny and clever! It really is a laugh out loud book and I don’t say that lightly. I haven’t laughed out loud at a book since I discovered the word ‘irony’ and then re-read The Bible.
I read this book in 3 days flat! SO WHAT? I hear you exclaim. Well let me tell you this, I’m shit at reading. I once read a book by my favourite author John Simpson which was 500 or so pages long and it took me 10 months! Don’t get me wrong, I can read, the physical process has been beaten into me since I was a schoolboy in Scotland. I just can’t engage myself with reading when there are real, more physical things going on around me. The Timewaster Letters is nearly 200 pages long, that means I read it 40 times faster than the John Simpson book (assuming an average of 30 days per month).
I would recommend this book to anyone with a sense of humour it’s bloody brilliant!!!
Buy it here: The Timewaster Letters
I read this book in 3 days flat! SO WHAT? I hear you exclaim. Well let me tell you this, I’m shit at reading. I once read a book by my favourite author John Simpson which was 500 or so pages long and it took me 10 months! Don’t get me wrong, I can read, the physical process has been beaten into me since I was a schoolboy in Scotland. I just can’t engage myself with reading when there are real, more physical things going on around me. The Timewaster Letters is nearly 200 pages long, that means I read it 40 times faster than the John Simpson book (assuming an average of 30 days per month).
I would recommend this book to anyone with a sense of humour it’s bloody brilliant!!!
Buy it here: The Timewaster Letters
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Liz
Someone called Liz was the first person to comment on any of my blog entries. Thanks Liz, big up yourself! She has a blog of her own, which is funny. It's a collection of rantings and ravings and that kind of thing appeals to my sense of humour. So check out her blog here: Killer rants
Unfortunately as Liz is the only person who reads my blog, she'll also be the only person following the link back to her own blog, which probably won't be that interesting for her as she wrote it.
Aw well, at least I tried!
Unfortunately as Liz is the only person who reads my blog, she'll also be the only person following the link back to her own blog, which probably won't be that interesting for her as she wrote it.
Aw well, at least I tried!
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Dignity
The region where I live is currently under a drought order . There are severe restrictions placed on water usage and especially frivilous commercial use of water. Such restrictions include shutting all car washes so vain people have to go around with dirty cars and no commercial watering of plants unless they are sold as food. So old people won't be able to buy nice plants for their gardens and all gardens will soon look as shit as mine.
Much to my disgust there are is a group of Eastern Europeans running a hand car wash just around the corner from my house. Not only are they flagrantly breaking the drought order (which hopefully is punishable by death) they are also using wastefull WASTEFULL hosepipes to wash said vehicles. Of course, they aren't just doing this in full view of the general public, oh no, they're too clever for that. A large, dishwater grey, mouldy tarpaulin has been strung up in front of the derelict petrol station where they are carrying out this heanous activity. That's got most people fooled, but not this sharp eyed water sleuth! Am I going to report this illegal activity to the authorities? You fucking bet I am!
So I hear you ask, what is the point of entitling this post 'Dignity' then banging on about some Eastern European carwashing syndicate? I am imagining that operating the car wash and working there is probably the only source of income that these immigrant workers have. If I tell the authorities and they are shut down, they may lose that income and be unable to house or feed their families. That would be depriving them of their dignity. Some of them may become desperate and turn to crime, depriving the innocent victims of their dignity too. Maybe even becoming embroiled in the growing underworld of crack dealing. Thus depriving crack addicts of their dignity too! As you can see, if I carry out my threat to report them, I could be depriving a whole lot of people from a whole lot of dignity.
On the flip side of this, if these people continue this activity, our water supplies will run out even quicker. When the water level get to crisis point the water authorities will reduce the mains pressure to all of our houses and when it gets bad enough our water supply to our houses will be shut off completely. I will then be forced to take water to my house in a bucket from a pipe standing in the street and probably only during certain hours of the day. The upshot of all this is....
I WILL BE FORCED TO FLUSH MY POOH DOWN THE TOILET WITH A BUCKET OF WATER, OR WORSE, SOMEONE ELSE'S POOH!
Now where's the dignity in that?
Fuck it, I'll report them forthwith.
Much to my disgust there are is a group of Eastern Europeans running a hand car wash just around the corner from my house. Not only are they flagrantly breaking the drought order (which hopefully is punishable by death) they are also using wastefull WASTEFULL hosepipes to wash said vehicles. Of course, they aren't just doing this in full view of the general public, oh no, they're too clever for that. A large, dishwater grey, mouldy tarpaulin has been strung up in front of the derelict petrol station where they are carrying out this heanous activity. That's got most people fooled, but not this sharp eyed water sleuth! Am I going to report this illegal activity to the authorities? You fucking bet I am!
So I hear you ask, what is the point of entitling this post 'Dignity' then banging on about some Eastern European carwashing syndicate? I am imagining that operating the car wash and working there is probably the only source of income that these immigrant workers have. If I tell the authorities and they are shut down, they may lose that income and be unable to house or feed their families. That would be depriving them of their dignity. Some of them may become desperate and turn to crime, depriving the innocent victims of their dignity too. Maybe even becoming embroiled in the growing underworld of crack dealing. Thus depriving crack addicts of their dignity too! As you can see, if I carry out my threat to report them, I could be depriving a whole lot of people from a whole lot of dignity.
On the flip side of this, if these people continue this activity, our water supplies will run out even quicker. When the water level get to crisis point the water authorities will reduce the mains pressure to all of our houses and when it gets bad enough our water supply to our houses will be shut off completely. I will then be forced to take water to my house in a bucket from a pipe standing in the street and probably only during certain hours of the day. The upshot of all this is....
I WILL BE FORCED TO FLUSH MY POOH DOWN THE TOILET WITH A BUCKET OF WATER, OR WORSE, SOMEONE ELSE'S POOH!
Now where's the dignity in that?
Fuck it, I'll report them forthwith.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Lazy
I've just realised it's been over a month since I've wrote anything on my blog. I think there are three things at play here:
1. I'm lazy
2. I've just turned thirty and I'm trying to work out what that means in a "I've just turned thirty and I'm taking a spiritual look at my life" kind of way
3. I'm lazy
There's a coorelation here.
I've always been one of those people who try not to get hung up on the whole 'numbers' thing. It doesn't matter whether your 29, 30, 40 or whatever. Your still the same person, thinking the same things. But no matter how hard I try and ignore it, turning thirty bothers me to some extent or another. Even from a practical point of view, I'm in a whole different 'tick box' now. Never again will I truthfully be able to tick 24-29 on a form. The next box is always 30+ and I'll have to wait 10 years before making the next jump. Does this mean life moves slower now? As you progress through your teens and 20's there are lots of little jumps, lots of chances to improve and change before hitting the next barrier. But now I'm in a 10 year bracket of thirtyness. This sudden change in my ticking habits has forced me to question the person I've become and whether this person is so wildy different to the same me 12 months ago. What with all the inner reflection and concentrating as to which box to apply my ticking, my laziness has accelerated out of all proportions.
Being lazy before all this has't helped one bit. You'd have thought I'd be used to it and just worked through it but it's only held me back even further. The washing pile is even higher than normal, my house has given a whole new meaning to the word 'filth'. My front garden is starting to resemble a biblical place where wild beasts (next doors cats) roam through uncharted jungle (2 foot high grass) in search of a peacefull oasis ( a puddle underneath my dead rose bush). I keep trying to persuade myself that now I'm 'that bit older', I'm just able to take a bit more time for me and to appreciate the small things in life, like endless repeats of Top Gear on Bravo.
So to what conclusions has all this soul searching led me?
1. I'm Lazy
2. I'm thirty
3. I'm lazy
Things don't really change, you just get older and think about them more.
1. I'm lazy
2. I've just turned thirty and I'm trying to work out what that means in a "I've just turned thirty and I'm taking a spiritual look at my life" kind of way
3. I'm lazy
There's a coorelation here.
I've always been one of those people who try not to get hung up on the whole 'numbers' thing. It doesn't matter whether your 29, 30, 40 or whatever. Your still the same person, thinking the same things. But no matter how hard I try and ignore it, turning thirty bothers me to some extent or another. Even from a practical point of view, I'm in a whole different 'tick box' now. Never again will I truthfully be able to tick 24-29 on a form. The next box is always 30+ and I'll have to wait 10 years before making the next jump. Does this mean life moves slower now? As you progress through your teens and 20's there are lots of little jumps, lots of chances to improve and change before hitting the next barrier. But now I'm in a 10 year bracket of thirtyness. This sudden change in my ticking habits has forced me to question the person I've become and whether this person is so wildy different to the same me 12 months ago. What with all the inner reflection and concentrating as to which box to apply my ticking, my laziness has accelerated out of all proportions.
Being lazy before all this has't helped one bit. You'd have thought I'd be used to it and just worked through it but it's only held me back even further. The washing pile is even higher than normal, my house has given a whole new meaning to the word 'filth'. My front garden is starting to resemble a biblical place where wild beasts (next doors cats) roam through uncharted jungle (2 foot high grass) in search of a peacefull oasis ( a puddle underneath my dead rose bush). I keep trying to persuade myself that now I'm 'that bit older', I'm just able to take a bit more time for me and to appreciate the small things in life, like endless repeats of Top Gear on Bravo.
So to what conclusions has all this soul searching led me?
1. I'm Lazy
2. I'm thirty
3. I'm lazy
Things don't really change, you just get older and think about them more.
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Charles Clark
Pressure is mounting on the home secretary Charles Clark to resign, in the light of immigrant criminals being released from prison without deportation. That's bad. However I think he should resign, if for no other reason, because he has huge ears and looks like Pob. I can't take a man like that seriously and certainly don't want him being my home secretary.
Pob
Charles Clark
I love a bargain, me
I had the displeasure of being in my local Asda store the other day. Whilst walking past the reductions cabinet I overheard a middle aged woman saying "oh I love a bargain, me". By saying this out loud I can only assume that she believes to be existence somewhere, people who do not like a bargain. Infact by her use of the word 'love' she must think there are people somewhere who 'hate' a good bargain.
So somewhere out there, perhaps in an Asda, perhaps not there is someone staying well away from the reductions cabinet and probably saying "I can't stand it when things are offered to me for a substantially reduced price, or heaven forbid a deal whereby when I buy one product, I get another one absolutely free, come to think of it, if I could sum up all my feelings on this, matter I'd probably say, I hate a good bargain, me!"
These people must exist and she must know about them because she said the sentence out loud and that would be the only reason for someone to need to say that out loud. It would be like me walking down the street and shouting "I love air, me" so that any 'air haters' in close proximity would know to stay away from me, a confirmed air lover. It's just one of those things that exist and don't need any confirmation or announcement.
So from now on before you say something out loud, consider whether you'll simply be stating the obvious. Unless of course your just another sad, opinionated, unemployed, brain dead, middle aged loser, who hangs around in Asda.
So somewhere out there, perhaps in an Asda, perhaps not there is someone staying well away from the reductions cabinet and probably saying "I can't stand it when things are offered to me for a substantially reduced price, or heaven forbid a deal whereby when I buy one product, I get another one absolutely free, come to think of it, if I could sum up all my feelings on this, matter I'd probably say, I hate a good bargain, me!"
These people must exist and she must know about them because she said the sentence out loud and that would be the only reason for someone to need to say that out loud. It would be like me walking down the street and shouting "I love air, me" so that any 'air haters' in close proximity would know to stay away from me, a confirmed air lover. It's just one of those things that exist and don't need any confirmation or announcement.
So from now on before you say something out loud, consider whether you'll simply be stating the obvious. Unless of course your just another sad, opinionated, unemployed, brain dead, middle aged loser, who hangs around in Asda.
Weirdigan
My friend came up with a new word the other day. He called someone a "fucking weirdigan", being childish, I laughed. I can only assume the word is constructed by mixing the words 'weirdo' and 'cardigan'. Indeed weirdos do sometimes wear cardigans, so it fits together quite nicely.
I haven't used the word towards anyone yet, but I'm visibly excited at the prospect.
Fucking Weirdigan.
I haven't used the word towards anyone yet, but I'm visibly excited at the prospect.
Fucking Weirdigan.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Ask Moses
The other day I stumbled across one of the strangest and possibly stupidest websites I've ever seen:
www.AskMoses.com
Yep, you got it, a jewish search engine, presumably modeled on www.AskJeeves.com . I have no problem with the Jewish faith or Jews in general but when I had a closer look at the website, it all started to appear very very wrong indeed.
Firstly I noticed that instead of writing the word'God' most of the website referred to G-d. Perhaps, i thought, I'm not as worldly wise as I believed and Jews have a different God to us Christians. A kind of abbreiviated God, with the kind of abbrieviation that doesn't actually make the word God any shorter. Why not just write 'Gd' then you're saving a whole character's worth of bandwidth for your website (Not that I'm suggesting Jews are tight or anything, maybe space is just at a premium). On further investigation I found an article here:
Why do many people write God with a dash ("G-d")?
explaining that defacing or erasing the word God is forbidden hence the abbreviation. This is presumably to stop any little God related accidents, like accidentally printing out the word God, then using the same piece of paper to test a pen or to doodle on whilst on the telephone - Forbidden! So presumably these accidents have happened in the past and using G-d is a new preventative measure to save having to store any piece of paper which mentions God in a secure holding facility, out of harms way. I feel however that even erasing or defacing G-d is still two thirds sacreligious because I immediately recognise that it's meant to represent God and therefore, to my mind, the evil deed has still been done. Instaed I think there should be special holding centres to take such God laden pieces of paper to, kind of like when you take your old fridge to the dump and they have to keep it forever so it doesn't destroy the ozone layer. Come to think of it, it's pretty much forbidden to dismantle or destroy a fridge too, so perhaps God and fridges have more in common than we all thought. Looking at the facts I already know about both God and fridges, both are definitely the strong silent type.
The whole God/G-d debate is only the tip of the Goldberg.... sorry Iceberg where AskMoses is concerned. There are a plethora of fascinating and informative articles hidden away. For example:
What does the Torah say about cross-dressing?
What is wrong with masturbation?
and my favourite:
Why is it forbidden to be intimate with a menstruating woman
to which my answer would have been "because it's a bit minging" but apparently it's G-d's way of not letting you get bored with her (oh and by the way according to the editor you should be in seperate beds to sleep for a week too).
Questions, questions, questions
I had a few unanswered questions I wanted to ask Moses, so I emailed him. This is what I wrote:
Hi Moses,
I was wondering if you could answer a question for me.
In Numbers 31:15-18 you called for the massacre of all young boys and any women, except as you know, virgin girls. Furthermore you bestowed upon the Egyptians 10 horrific plagues for the release of the Hebrew people. By modern standards, these plagues would have probably signalled the end of the world to most people, and the tabloid press would have had a field day I'm sure. What with all water turning to blood, plagues of frogs, flies, gnats and locusts, 3 days of darkness and the mass murder of all the first born of Egypt (even the animals). Obviously you know all that, because you perpetrated it all.
My question is, did you ever feel even a little bit guilty? Did you ever seek to question G-d about this apparent ethnic cleansing? And finally, with the enormous fire power and almost xenophobic will you had, how do you think it relates to the struggle between the modern Israelies and Palestinians?
Yours, in good faith, Mick
www.AskMoses.com
Yep, you got it, a jewish search engine, presumably modeled on www.AskJeeves.com . I have no problem with the Jewish faith or Jews in general but when I had a closer look at the website, it all started to appear very very wrong indeed.
Firstly I noticed that instead of writing the word'God' most of the website referred to G-d. Perhaps, i thought, I'm not as worldly wise as I believed and Jews have a different God to us Christians. A kind of abbreiviated God, with the kind of abbrieviation that doesn't actually make the word God any shorter. Why not just write 'Gd' then you're saving a whole character's worth of bandwidth for your website (Not that I'm suggesting Jews are tight or anything, maybe space is just at a premium). On further investigation I found an article here:
Why do many people write God with a dash ("G-d")?
explaining that defacing or erasing the word God is forbidden hence the abbreviation. This is presumably to stop any little God related accidents, like accidentally printing out the word God, then using the same piece of paper to test a pen or to doodle on whilst on the telephone - Forbidden! So presumably these accidents have happened in the past and using G-d is a new preventative measure to save having to store any piece of paper which mentions God in a secure holding facility, out of harms way. I feel however that even erasing or defacing G-d is still two thirds sacreligious because I immediately recognise that it's meant to represent God and therefore, to my mind, the evil deed has still been done. Instaed I think there should be special holding centres to take such God laden pieces of paper to, kind of like when you take your old fridge to the dump and they have to keep it forever so it doesn't destroy the ozone layer. Come to think of it, it's pretty much forbidden to dismantle or destroy a fridge too, so perhaps God and fridges have more in common than we all thought. Looking at the facts I already know about both God and fridges, both are definitely the strong silent type.
The whole God/G-d debate is only the tip of the Goldberg.... sorry Iceberg where AskMoses is concerned. There are a plethora of fascinating and informative articles hidden away. For example:
What does the Torah say about cross-dressing?
What is wrong with masturbation?
and my favourite:
Why is it forbidden to be intimate with a menstruating woman
to which my answer would have been "because it's a bit minging" but apparently it's G-d's way of not letting you get bored with her (oh and by the way according to the editor you should be in seperate beds to sleep for a week too).
Questions, questions, questions
I had a few unanswered questions I wanted to ask Moses, so I emailed him. This is what I wrote:
Hi Moses,
I was wondering if you could answer a question for me.
In Numbers 31:15-18 you called for the massacre of all young boys and any women, except as you know, virgin girls. Furthermore you bestowed upon the Egyptians 10 horrific plagues for the release of the Hebrew people. By modern standards, these plagues would have probably signalled the end of the world to most people, and the tabloid press would have had a field day I'm sure. What with all water turning to blood, plagues of frogs, flies, gnats and locusts, 3 days of darkness and the mass murder of all the first born of Egypt (even the animals). Obviously you know all that, because you perpetrated it all.
My question is, did you ever feel even a little bit guilty? Did you ever seek to question G-d about this apparent ethnic cleansing? And finally, with the enormous fire power and almost xenophobic will you had, how do you think it relates to the struggle between the modern Israelies and Palestinians?
Yours, in good faith, Mick
I'll post any reply I get in the future. If you have any questions you'd like to AskMoses (although I'm beginning to wonder if he's the right person to be handing out advice!) , email him here: mail@askmoses.com
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Richard Herring - Warming Up
A fishy name but clever man. Richard Herring is one of my comedy idols and it was his website which gave me the idea for my own blog. He calls his blog 'warming up' cause he uses his writing about everyday things to generate material and ideas for his stand up. The idea appeals to me cause he takes the real mundane aspects of life and subjects them to unfaltering analysis which invariably turns into quite amusing writing. I'm under no illusions that my blog will be anywhere near as comprehensive (he's not missed one day in three years!) or indeed amusing as his, but I've got to start somewhere.
Here's one of my favourite recent entries from Easter Sunday. It discusses why Jesus may have been slightly disappointed by having his life celebrated by cinnamon buns and chocolate eggs. Very clever:
http://www.richardherring.com/warmingup/warmingup.php?id=1257
Here's one of my favourite recent entries from Easter Sunday. It discusses why Jesus may have been slightly disappointed by having his life celebrated by cinnamon buns and chocolate eggs. Very clever:
http://www.richardherring.com/warmingup/warmingup.php?id=1257
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Truth Enrichment
In a statement today the US government defended its continuing program of Truth Enrichment. Washington insists this program is purely for industrial use and will have 'no military outcome whatsoever'.
Speculation and fear has been growing around the globe, especially in the Arab world, that the program embarked on by the US government will have repercussions for countries such Iran who's governments and armed forces do not have access to any Truth, enriched or not.
Propaganda
For months now the US have been using full scale 'media centrifuges' to turn inert Truth Ore into a highly enriched and volatile compound known as 'Propaganda 1441'. The US deny that production of Propaganda 1441 has been stepped up recently. A White House spokesman said "We do not possess enough enriched Truth to use in a military campaign against any other civilized country. The US has not been in production of this level of Propaganda 1441 since early 2003"
Xenophobia
Enriched Truth in the form of Propaganda 1441, although harmless in itself can be a deadly weapon in the wrong hands. When combined with Radio waves or Television frequencies or applied to Newspaper in it's pure form it can have devastating effect in a war situation. It spreads quickly over large land masses, even one as large as North America is not safe. In it's victims it causes an irrational state of fear and alarm leading to muddled , often right wing, opinions and extreme views. It also blocks out the unenriched Truth that occurs naturally in our atmosphere causing the subject to become 'Truth intolerant". Subjects exposed to full strength fallout from such an attack go on to develop long term xenophobia and irrational feelings of invincibility. There are thought to be almost 286 million people affected to some extent by previous live tests on the North American continent. Victims are easily identified and to some extent branded by their outerwear which will contain slogans such as "9/11 Let's Roll" or "We shall not be defeated - Ever" or even simply "USA".
The Arabs
The dangers of any kind of truth are not underestimated by the US administration. President Bush has sought to keep Truth out of the hands of any regime who do not appear responsible enough to handle it correctly, Iran being the foremost in his sights.
"We do not want the Iranians to have Truth, the capacity to make Truth, or the knowledge about how to make Truth. That's our stated goal," Mr Bush said on Monday.
Tehran reacted angrily to Mr Bush's comments government spokesman Awana Stonaninfidel stated "This regime is not interested in the truth and never has been, we just want Israel wiped off the map, be that by the use of Truth or not".
For the time being though, Washington are remaining defiant and pressing ahead with full scale production of enriched Truth, only time will tell where this will all lead.
Speculation and fear has been growing around the globe, especially in the Arab world, that the program embarked on by the US government will have repercussions for countries such Iran who's governments and armed forces do not have access to any Truth, enriched or not.
Propaganda
For months now the US have been using full scale 'media centrifuges' to turn inert Truth Ore into a highly enriched and volatile compound known as 'Propaganda 1441'. The US deny that production of Propaganda 1441 has been stepped up recently. A White House spokesman said "We do not possess enough enriched Truth to use in a military campaign against any other civilized country. The US has not been in production of this level of Propaganda 1441 since early 2003"
Xenophobia
Enriched Truth in the form of Propaganda 1441, although harmless in itself can be a deadly weapon in the wrong hands. When combined with Radio waves or Television frequencies or applied to Newspaper in it's pure form it can have devastating effect in a war situation. It spreads quickly over large land masses, even one as large as North America is not safe. In it's victims it causes an irrational state of fear and alarm leading to muddled , often right wing, opinions and extreme views. It also blocks out the unenriched Truth that occurs naturally in our atmosphere causing the subject to become 'Truth intolerant". Subjects exposed to full strength fallout from such an attack go on to develop long term xenophobia and irrational feelings of invincibility. There are thought to be almost 286 million people affected to some extent by previous live tests on the North American continent. Victims are easily identified and to some extent branded by their outerwear which will contain slogans such as "9/11 Let's Roll" or "We shall not be defeated - Ever" or even simply "USA".
The Arabs
The dangers of any kind of truth are not underestimated by the US administration. President Bush has sought to keep Truth out of the hands of any regime who do not appear responsible enough to handle it correctly, Iran being the foremost in his sights.
"We do not want the Iranians to have Truth, the capacity to make Truth, or the knowledge about how to make Truth. That's our stated goal," Mr Bush said on Monday.
Tehran reacted angrily to Mr Bush's comments government spokesman Awana Stonaninfidel stated "This regime is not interested in the truth and never has been, we just want Israel wiped off the map, be that by the use of Truth or not".
For the time being though, Washington are remaining defiant and pressing ahead with full scale production of enriched Truth, only time will tell where this will all lead.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Death in Fleet
I had a gig in Fleet last night, it was an unqualified disaster.
I got the gig through a well known agency and after having turned them down for gigs in Derby and Exeter on several occasions, I thought it was time to do something before they stopped phoning altogether. As luck would have it, one of the other comics had a car too, so I wasn't expected to drive around and pick everyone up. So far, so good.
I've been to watch a couple of their gigs before in different places and they always seem to be good quality nights. The guy who was organising it was nice and friendly enough and the bar soon filled up. What I couldn't understand was that it was a free entry gig, and I know the other 3 comics were being paid, with me being thrown in as a 'freebie'. So he must have been paying for it out of his own pocket. The headline act was a really well known and well respected comic, I was actually looking forward to hanging around to watch his set.
So on went the compere, to 15 mins of deathly silence and intense unfriendliness. Not good, I thought, maybe they just don't like him (although his stuff was good). First act, Jo Romero. A really funny woman with some brilliant and at times quite dark material. She done ok, but despite myself and the other two comedians at the back pissing ourselves, it was obvious that the crowd weren't interested. As Jo came off, the headliner (who I shall not name) stood up and said "Well you know what, I don't want to do this, so I'm off home, sorry....."
I couldn't fucking believe it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This was someone I thought could take the roof off the place, someone who I kind of aspired too and looked up to, and here he was turning his back and walking out, presumably cause the crowd were shit. So that left the bill standing as follows..... ME! What????? I don't have the experience to headline a gig, especially one where the people just want to sit and stare silently.
The organiser came over, patted me on the back and said "No pressure then!". Thanks a fucking bunch. thanks a fucking bunch to the headliner too, what kind of message does it give to someone with not even a years experience when such an established performer walks off and leaves you in the shit? The compere asked me how much I could do, it told him about 15 mins of material and then I'll just fuck about with the crowd a bit...... bring it on.
Well the first few minutes were ok. A mixture of some established jokes and fresh topical stuff. I started to try and engage the crowd but they just wouldn't have it. I tried to shock them with some really sick stuff, some squaddies at the back of the room briefly looked away from their beers and dolly bird sluts to laugh, then promptly turned back. The rest of the crowd took it to heart, I think it offended their middle england sensibilities, good, fuck 'em. I then tried some new material, stuff that I've already road tested at good gigs in London....... Nothing. After about 17 mins I decided to get off stage while I still had some sort of dignity left.
What a crock of shit. I feel sorry for the poor compere, he was being paid to hold the whole lot together and the headliner walked out on him, he was reduced to a joke telling competition, poor bloke.
To be honest, I drove the 30 miles home last night with the radio off, contemplating why I do this crap. Why I spend my own money on petrol or travelcards getting to gigs, just to try and make strangers laugh. To be faced with a man in the front row (a builder named Darren by the way) who thinks I'm shit, but has never told a joke or been on stage in his life. It's hard not to take it personally when it goes that badly, it's difficult not to be harsh on myself. It dents your confidence because if they're not laughing, they don't find you funny and that is, after all, why you are there. It feels very personal indeed.
Last night I could have chucked it in for good.
But I won't, I'll just keep plodding along, cause I know when you have a really good gig, it leaves you feeling unstoppable.
On with the show....
I got the gig through a well known agency and after having turned them down for gigs in Derby and Exeter on several occasions, I thought it was time to do something before they stopped phoning altogether. As luck would have it, one of the other comics had a car too, so I wasn't expected to drive around and pick everyone up. So far, so good.
I've been to watch a couple of their gigs before in different places and they always seem to be good quality nights. The guy who was organising it was nice and friendly enough and the bar soon filled up. What I couldn't understand was that it was a free entry gig, and I know the other 3 comics were being paid, with me being thrown in as a 'freebie'. So he must have been paying for it out of his own pocket. The headline act was a really well known and well respected comic, I was actually looking forward to hanging around to watch his set.
So on went the compere, to 15 mins of deathly silence and intense unfriendliness. Not good, I thought, maybe they just don't like him (although his stuff was good). First act, Jo Romero. A really funny woman with some brilliant and at times quite dark material. She done ok, but despite myself and the other two comedians at the back pissing ourselves, it was obvious that the crowd weren't interested. As Jo came off, the headliner (who I shall not name) stood up and said "Well you know what, I don't want to do this, so I'm off home, sorry....."
I couldn't fucking believe it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This was someone I thought could take the roof off the place, someone who I kind of aspired too and looked up to, and here he was turning his back and walking out, presumably cause the crowd were shit. So that left the bill standing as follows..... ME! What????? I don't have the experience to headline a gig, especially one where the people just want to sit and stare silently.
The organiser came over, patted me on the back and said "No pressure then!". Thanks a fucking bunch. thanks a fucking bunch to the headliner too, what kind of message does it give to someone with not even a years experience when such an established performer walks off and leaves you in the shit? The compere asked me how much I could do, it told him about 15 mins of material and then I'll just fuck about with the crowd a bit...... bring it on.
Well the first few minutes were ok. A mixture of some established jokes and fresh topical stuff. I started to try and engage the crowd but they just wouldn't have it. I tried to shock them with some really sick stuff, some squaddies at the back of the room briefly looked away from their beers and dolly bird sluts to laugh, then promptly turned back. The rest of the crowd took it to heart, I think it offended their middle england sensibilities, good, fuck 'em. I then tried some new material, stuff that I've already road tested at good gigs in London....... Nothing. After about 17 mins I decided to get off stage while I still had some sort of dignity left.
What a crock of shit. I feel sorry for the poor compere, he was being paid to hold the whole lot together and the headliner walked out on him, he was reduced to a joke telling competition, poor bloke.
To be honest, I drove the 30 miles home last night with the radio off, contemplating why I do this crap. Why I spend my own money on petrol or travelcards getting to gigs, just to try and make strangers laugh. To be faced with a man in the front row (a builder named Darren by the way) who thinks I'm shit, but has never told a joke or been on stage in his life. It's hard not to take it personally when it goes that badly, it's difficult not to be harsh on myself. It dents your confidence because if they're not laughing, they don't find you funny and that is, after all, why you are there. It feels very personal indeed.
Last night I could have chucked it in for good.
But I won't, I'll just keep plodding along, cause I know when you have a really good gig, it leaves you feeling unstoppable.
On with the show....
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Officer Cadet Wales
Prince Harry has recently graduated from Sandhurst as an Army Officer under the watchfull eye of his grandmother, the Queen. He will now be joining the Household Cavalry's Blues and Royals. The regiment which would appear to only exist for posh people and direct descendents of the royal family. It was the first time in 15 years that Her Majesty had attended a passing out parade at Sandhurst, however it was only last thursday night in the Officers Mess, that Harry last passed out.
His first mission, codenamed Operation Spearmint Rhino, will see him operating in a dangerous, wartorn and baron wasteland, military codename, Slough. Continuing the work of his mother, Princess Diana, he will be striving to bring help to the hopeless victims of landmine amputations and AIDS ridden skeletons, or as we would call them, strippers. This apparently comes as a dissapointment to the young prince, who was hoping to serve in either Afghanistan or Staines, where one can buy good skunk very cheaply indeed.
His first mission, codenamed Operation Spearmint Rhino, will see him operating in a dangerous, wartorn and baron wasteland, military codename, Slough. Continuing the work of his mother, Princess Diana, he will be striving to bring help to the hopeless victims of landmine amputations and AIDS ridden skeletons, or as we would call them, strippers. This apparently comes as a dissapointment to the young prince, who was hoping to serve in either Afghanistan or Staines, where one can buy good skunk very cheaply indeed.
Government Health Warning
Last week a 33 year old nurse, Cheryl Moss, was stabbed to death whilst taking a cigarette break behind the hospital where she worked in East London. Being a health care professional, I thought she would have been more aware than most, that smoking is very bad for your health, fatal in some instances.
Mr Hitler Manila
I wanted to post this here cause it really tickled me when I first read it on the BBC news website http://news.bbc.co.uk . It's been edited for readability (that is of course if readability is a real word). The interesting bit is near the end.
The Philippine name game
By Sarah Toms
BBC News, Manila
Naming a child is often a difficult decision. For many Filipinos, individuality is an important factor, with many choosing unconventional first names. So when the BBC's Sarah Toms gave birth in the Philippines, could she come up with an original name?
In March, my daughter will be celebrating her second birthday in Manila. Made in the Philippines and born in the Philippines, it seems only yesterday that I was trying to leave hospital with my newborn. The nurses had quickly christened her "Miss Philippines" because of her long legs. But then I discovered that until I came up with a real name and began her birth registration at the hospital, I would not be allowed to leave. Exhaustion made any decision difficult and I started worrying I would be celebrating her first birthday in the hospital if I did not find a name soon.
Filipinos place serious importance on finding unique names for their children, most of them injected with a large dose of Philippine humour.
Take the mayor of Makati, the financial district in Manila. His name is Jejomar, composed of the first few letters of Jesus, Joseph and Mary. Catholicism started here with the arrival of the Spanish in 1521 and the colonisation of the Philippines. Beyond food and architecture, religion is one of the lasting influences of Spanish rule. And that is at the root of the desire to have a unique first name. Many Filipinos who converted to Catholicism took on surnames with religious references, such as Santos or De la Cruz, for good luck. But this resulted in many people having the same last names. To solve the problem, the Spanish decided to restrict the surnames of Filipinos to a number of acceptable ones. But with a rapidly growing population, it seems there are not enough last names to go round. Security experts say that with so many surnames being the same it can take ages to do background checks.
A first name with a bit of individuality can help avoid confusion and cases of mistaken identity Filipinos encounter their own problems with the country's notoriously poor records system. Getting a bank loan or passport can be a nightmare if someone with the same name is wanted for a crime. So a first name with a bit of individuality can help avoid confusion and cases of mistaken identity. Because of that I know a Peachy, a Preciosa and even a Bogi. I also know a Boy and a Girlie, names that often come from being the lone son or daughter in a large family. That brings me to the doorbell names: it is not uncommon to call your little one Bing, Bong, Bong Bong and even Ping and Ting. Another category is the rock 'n' roll name. How would you feel being christened Led Zeppelin, Mick Jagger or Nirvana?
One journalist friend told me of an interview he had with a Hitler Manila. Mr Manila, who does not share the Nazi ideology, told him that he was always remembered for his name but it sometimes caused problems. One time, when he was shooting pool with some visiting Germans, the atmosphere became tense after he wrote his name on the blackboard to reserve the next game. Order was not restored until he pulled out his driving licence to prove his name really was Hitler. Still, that experience did not stop him from carrying on the family tradition. His sons are named Himmler and Hess after two of Hitler's closest associates.
Another friend told me of a couple who named their five daughters Candy, Caramel, Cookie, Peanut and Popcorn. Scott Harrison, an American businessman here, says he has heard of a woman who gave birth to twin girls on either side of midnight, naming them Sunday and Monday. Nothing unusual in that - my daughter's kindergarten teacher is called Wednesday. So what did I name my daughter? After much deliberation and temptation to join the Philippine name game, I settled for an old French favourite, Elise. Elise is not a strange name by any means, but in the Philippines it is as unusual as you can get.
The Philippine name game
By Sarah Toms
BBC News, Manila
Naming a child is often a difficult decision. For many Filipinos, individuality is an important factor, with many choosing unconventional first names. So when the BBC's Sarah Toms gave birth in the Philippines, could she come up with an original name?
In March, my daughter will be celebrating her second birthday in Manila. Made in the Philippines and born in the Philippines, it seems only yesterday that I was trying to leave hospital with my newborn. The nurses had quickly christened her "Miss Philippines" because of her long legs. But then I discovered that until I came up with a real name and began her birth registration at the hospital, I would not be allowed to leave. Exhaustion made any decision difficult and I started worrying I would be celebrating her first birthday in the hospital if I did not find a name soon.
Filipinos place serious importance on finding unique names for their children, most of them injected with a large dose of Philippine humour.
Take the mayor of Makati, the financial district in Manila. His name is Jejomar, composed of the first few letters of Jesus, Joseph and Mary. Catholicism started here with the arrival of the Spanish in 1521 and the colonisation of the Philippines. Beyond food and architecture, religion is one of the lasting influences of Spanish rule. And that is at the root of the desire to have a unique first name. Many Filipinos who converted to Catholicism took on surnames with religious references, such as Santos or De la Cruz, for good luck. But this resulted in many people having the same last names. To solve the problem, the Spanish decided to restrict the surnames of Filipinos to a number of acceptable ones. But with a rapidly growing population, it seems there are not enough last names to go round. Security experts say that with so many surnames being the same it can take ages to do background checks.
A first name with a bit of individuality can help avoid confusion and cases of mistaken identity Filipinos encounter their own problems with the country's notoriously poor records system. Getting a bank loan or passport can be a nightmare if someone with the same name is wanted for a crime. So a first name with a bit of individuality can help avoid confusion and cases of mistaken identity. Because of that I know a Peachy, a Preciosa and even a Bogi. I also know a Boy and a Girlie, names that often come from being the lone son or daughter in a large family. That brings me to the doorbell names: it is not uncommon to call your little one Bing, Bong, Bong Bong and even Ping and Ting. Another category is the rock 'n' roll name. How would you feel being christened Led Zeppelin, Mick Jagger or Nirvana?
One journalist friend told me of an interview he had with a Hitler Manila. Mr Manila, who does not share the Nazi ideology, told him that he was always remembered for his name but it sometimes caused problems. One time, when he was shooting pool with some visiting Germans, the atmosphere became tense after he wrote his name on the blackboard to reserve the next game. Order was not restored until he pulled out his driving licence to prove his name really was Hitler. Still, that experience did not stop him from carrying on the family tradition. His sons are named Himmler and Hess after two of Hitler's closest associates.
Another friend told me of a couple who named their five daughters Candy, Caramel, Cookie, Peanut and Popcorn. Scott Harrison, an American businessman here, says he has heard of a woman who gave birth to twin girls on either side of midnight, naming them Sunday and Monday. Nothing unusual in that - my daughter's kindergarten teacher is called Wednesday. So what did I name my daughter? After much deliberation and temptation to join the Philippine name game, I settled for an old French favourite, Elise. Elise is not a strange name by any means, but in the Philippines it is as unusual as you can get.
Monday, April 10, 2006
My first blog entry
This is my first entry, if I make this one shit (which lets face it, it is) the rest can only get better.
Hopefully.
Hopefully.
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